Self-Sabotage – Why we do it & How can we stop?

It’s amazing how un-helpful we can be. To ourselves. I mean, you would like to think that the one person who truly has our back, the one person who would do everything possible to help us get closer to our dreams, would be US. Especially bearing in mind, that we would be the primary beneficiary of said positive behaviour.

But, No. Somehow, the biggest obstacle between what we want and where we need to go, is not someone else or bad luck – its US. We are the idiots that hold ourselves back and we do this with a ‘lovely’ thing called self-sabotage, which essentially is the disconnect between what we WANT (a good body, a successful career, a loving relationship) and what we DO (skip the gym, do the minimum, create conflict).

Why? Why on earth would we willingly hold ourselves back and undo all our best intentions? : It seems that the conflict between our logical, conscious mind, and our less rational, subconscious mind is to blame. We might be conscious of the fact that we want to eat healthily, drink less, save more and stop dating dick-heads. But, our subconscious (or anti-self) creates behaviours and thoughts that can be diametrically opposed to those things we want. It’s our sub-conscious that’s to blame for the late night bingeing, the online splurging and the mistaken drunk dialling. Cheers very much and thanks for NOTHING!

But, seriously – Why? Believe it or not, your subconscious is actually trying to protect you. By not doing something (starting that business, really investing in that relationship), it might consider that it is protecting you from a lot of hard work, potential failure or maybe a broken heart. Another problem is most of us crave comfort, and things that are familiar. So, if we have been on a million diets and always failed, or have always been useless with money or unlucky in love, then that place, be it chubby, poor or single, feels kind of like home and therefore, safer than the alternative. F*cked up, I grant you!

If we look at our ‘bad’ behaviours and habits, we might also find that in most cases they come with an upside. Some kind of pay off that has turned them in to a pattern. They might be reinforcing your beliefs – ‘I was right! I am a loser. I knew nobody was going to be able to love me.’ Or, maybe the pay off is a little more subtle – if you always shut down arguments, maybe that allows you to avoid talking about some real issues you have within your relationship.

When we really look at it, most of our behaviours are about moving away from pain or towards pleasure. So, we choose not to run, not to commit, not to try. F*ck it! lets have another slice, open a new bottle and and call in sick!

But, then HOW (the hell) do we change these self-sabotaging behaviours?

Good Question. It’s not easy, because a lot of these behaviours and patterns have deep roots and are well practiced. That said, starting to NOTICE and RECOGNISE the things that are not helping, is the first step to trying to change them. Most of our choices are subconscious (we are hardly aware of them) so, by starting to actively be conscious and mindful of the things we do, the choices we make, and the results they heed, we start to gain more CONTROL. When we automatically start scarfing down chocolate digestives at 3pm, we can remind ourselves how bad this makes us feel and how it is seriously sabotaging the way we want to look in a bikini next summer. Look for the ‘triggers’ in your behaviour – lighting up a cigarette before phoning a friend, pouring a glass of wine as soon as the kids are in bed, using bad weather as an excuse to skip that early morning class – and actively plan an alternative that will serve you better (in the long run). Instead of automatically heading outside for a smoke, make the comfiest chair in the house your phone-a-friend spot. Once the kids are asleep, run a deep, hot bath. Buy yourself a decent raincoat or get an Uber pool to the gym.

‘Have a bath’, she says. Yeah, right! Like it’s as easy as that……..

Finding the WHY? – Understanding the reasons behind our behaviour.

If we are looking to minimise self-sabotaging behaviour, it makes sense that we also examine why we might be behaving in a certain way. Dig deep, because real change usually comes at the ‘cost’ of self-discovery. You can do this on your own (freestyle journaling usually brings up some corkers), with a friend (who might benefit from unpicking some behaviours of her own) or with a professional (who does this sh*t for a living). You might discover that at some point this type of self-sabotaging behaviour might have been helpful – maybe shouting was the only way you could be heard growing up. But, now that same behaviour is causing constant conflict in your personal life.

So, maybe its time to write a NEW story.

If you are struggling to find out WHY your behaviour often contradicts your intentions, this exercise from a Vice article that offers a great way to break it down. ‘Sit down and imagine what it would be like to have what you want or to reach your goal. Imagine every step. When you’re doing this, write down any negative feelings, weird fears, or random thoughts that come up. If you imagine yourself getting into great physical shape, what comes up for you? Do you picture yourself doing boring workouts for the rest of your life? Do you fear getting unwanted attention from men? Do you imagine your spouse or friends making fun of you for going to the gym and being vain? The key to your self-sabotage lies in those fears and thoughts. Facing whatever is holding you back and causing you to self-sabotage won’t be easy. But it’s better than the lousy regret you’ll feel if you don’t. Life’s too short to not go after what you want most’. – Dr. Christie Hartman, dating and relationship expert

Once you find out your WHY? you can start to QUESTION and CHALLENGE these beliefs. These are often the big, fat meanies that pop up in our negative self-chatter. Are you really a total failure? I bet you can name a few things that contradict this. Is your life really a complete sh*t show? I bet you can think of at least 3 things in your life you are grateful for? The great thing about gratitude, and why everyone and their dog goes on about it, is that when we are feeling grateful it is impossible to feel sad, angry, shameful or disappointed. And as smart as it might be, your brain doesn’t know the difference between what is real and what is imaginary (say, what!). So, that means what you IMAGINE to be happening (feeling thankful, happy, at peace) is actually happening as far as your brain is concerned.

If the brain is always listening and responding to what you say, it makes perfect sense to be KIND to yourself. Say nice things. Notice when you do finish that project, head home early or make a better choice. FORGIVE yourself when you slip – some therapists suggest that to practice this, it can be helpful to imagine you are looking after yourself as a small child. You wouldn’t tell that kid every day what a fat, lazy, loser they are and expect them to thrive. You’d say good job, nice try, look how great you are doing!

Say it enough and one day soon, you might even start to BELIEVE it, my friend 🙂

This GET HAPPIER post is brought to you by someone who should remind you, she is not a professional psychologist. She is not even close to being a neuroscientist. Sometimes, even calling her a grown up would be kind of a stretch.

(My ‘advice’ this week was based on lots of podcasts, articles and studies. I read heaps, so you didn’t have to.)