The Problem With Envy (& all that grass is greener bullsh*t)

There is nothing more woeful than discontent and yet most of us are guilty of coveting the stuff we do not have. The bigger house, the better car, the hotter body, the easier ride. I am always bemused that most of my single friends want to get married and have kids, yet most of my married friends spend the whole time complaining about their husband/wife and kids. We are a fickle bunch and envy, that most secretive of emotions, can be found seeping from the pores of even the nicest people that we know.

So, for those days when you are feeling like a jealous cow you can take some comfort that:

1. Wanting what you cannot have is totally normal. A study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology describes how a group of women were shown a photograph of their potential perfect man. Half the group were told Mr.Right was single, whilst the other half were told he was already taken. 59% of the single women expressed an interest in pursuing the single guy whilst a whopping 90% wanted the guy who was already taken. How messed up is that? – Reason being is that levels of dopamine (the pleasure chemical in the brain) continue to rise the longer you must wait to get what it is you want. Which explains why playing hard to get works such a treat and why unrequited love or lust can be such sweet agony.
2. Their warts might just be better hidden. Our increasingly digitised lives are the perfect accelerant for envy, with social media happily colluding to make our own relationships, holidays or outfits of the day look like shit by comparison. We know that life isn’t really like that and that behind every glorious sunset or backlit belfie* there are no doubt 45 rubbish photos and one terribly insecure backside. What we are actually envying is just our perceived perfection and that, I can promise you, is rarely what it seems.
3. The greenest lawns are few and far between. Let’s be honest – most people are not successful or particularly minted or even close to being a 10. As those clever people at the Book of Life remind us, in terms of the media; “In contrast to what it suggests, most businesses in fact fail, most films don’t get made, most careers are not stellar, most people’s faces and bodies are less than perfectly beautiful and almost everyone is sad and worried a lot of the time. We shouldn’t lament our own condition just because it doesn’t measure up against deeply unrealistic benchmarks, or hate ourselves solely for our inability to defy some breathtaking odds.”
4. Expectation is a cruel mistress. I have said it before and I will say it again. Getting what we want is not always what it is cracked up to be and most of the time it won’t make us any happier. If you don’t believe me, read ‘Money Can’t Buy You Happiness (& other bullsh*t we wish was true.)’…..which is also by me, so – like – totally unbiased.
5. Envy can be a useful compass. For all its bad press envy can be helpful if we allow it to act as our guide in finding out what it is we might want to be. If we can quell the rising venom and instead examine what triggers that emotion, then we can try and work ourselves towards the more ‘that’ version of ourselves.

And watch your backs, because envy has been known to lurk in some unsuspecting places. Often when we think we are attracted to another person, it is actually one or more of their attributes that we envy and mistake for attraction/love. You can essentially fall in love with what it is that you want for yourself – be it money, power, influence or intelligence. How is that for a totally fucked up happily ever after?

Thankfully, envy, like all those pesky sins, can only really hurt us if we let it in. Sure, you might recognise it, perhaps give it a respectful nod in passing. But do not be blinded by the greener grass – let it instead inspire you. Turn promptly on your heel and like every good fridge magnet advises – go tend to your own lawn.

This Get Happier post is brought to you by someone who only has a courtyard.

* For those of you who are a bit old or who have been hiding under a rock, a belfie is a selfie of your butt. You can even – I kid you not – buy a belfie stick. #yourwelcome