The ‘C’ Word & Why We Should Embrace It.

No – not that C word. Today, I’m talking about CHANGE and how, if we truly want to be happier, we need to embrace the hell out of it  – whether we like it or not.

And most of us do not. Our resistance to change is partly why we stay put in our rubbish jobs, with our lousy boyfriends, still trying to lose the same 5 kilos, eight years later.  It might explain why we haven’t found the time to start that business, write that book, take that trip, or any of the other awesome things we promise ourselves that we will get around to ‘one of these days’.

Why Do We Resist Change? What Are We So Scared Of?

As a species we have been hardwired to avoid danger. Changes in our life might be good or they might be bad, but until they come to pass they are just uncertainties – and we do not take kindly to uncertainty. Uncertainty makes us anxious as hell – in fact studies have shown that we would prefer to know something bad is going to happen, than be stuck in that uncertain hell where it could, maybe, possibly go wrong….or not. Staying the same – even if that might be seriously below par – just feels that much safer.

Another reason we can get stuck – even when we think we are ready to change, is a common phenomenon called ‘The Sunk Cost Fallacy’. Once we have put our time, effort or hard-earned cash towards something –  be it a business, a relationship or a brand-new book – we don’t like to see our financial or emotional investments go to waste. It’s for this reason we keep propping up our failed venture, or limping along in a loveless marriage, or reading right to the end of a book that we didn’t really enjoy. Psychologist, Daniel Kahneman explains it thus – ‘We refuse to cut our losses when doing so would admit failure’ because ‘we are biased against actions that could lead to regret.’ Which is why our ‘comfort zone’ feels so gloriously cosy.

Change – even positive change – can often seem so big and life-changing that it can overwhelm us into inaction instead of propelling us towards change.

Why We Should Embrace Change & Be Less Fearful.

Change is inevitable and in an uncertain world, the only thing we can be certain of is that nothing will stay the same. Our feelings will change, our bodies will change, our relationships over time will shift and morph into something new. Stuff we never expected to happen will and things we couldn’t even imagine may come to pass. That’s just life – nothing stays stagnant, so neither should we.

It might not be as bad as we feared. We are excellent at expecting the worst, but as Daniel Gilbert, author of ‘Stumbling on Happiness’, reminds us, ‘Negative events do affect us, but they generally don’t affect us as much or for as long as we expect them to.’ Therefore, we should not let fear stop us from taking risks, especially as the research shows that we tend to regret far more the things we did not do than those we did, (although I am sure we all have some Sat morning shame dungeon experiences that may question the validity of these findings 😉).

Change moves you forward. It can be easy to get stuck – stuck waiting for the ‘perfect moment’ to start that business or join the gym. Stuck doing things the same old way, because doing things differently sounds tiring and hard. But, instead of being wary of change, we should embrace it, because change invites opportunity. The opportunity to get closer to who we want to be and where we want to go. Sure – some changes are less welcome and might swoop in uninvited – however, if we choose to adapt to them, then we are still maintaining some control over the chaos. Even if we cannot change the circumstances in front of us, we can choose how we respond to, and move on from them.

How to Become More Adaptive & To Roll with The Changes.

Learn to Expect It: If we can get used to the idea that sh*t stuff is definitely going to happen at some stage, then it might not knock us quite so hard when it eventually does. Mental preparation can be a useful tool. The Navy SEALS, prior to any mission, discuss potential courses of actions (COA’s) if they come under attack – if this happens, what will we do? – which has them prepared for any eventuality. You might want to pre-plan for stuff that might crop up (if Dad gets sick, who will look after him? / If you do get that job transfer, what should we do re the kid’s schools?) – because having a plan in place can make the road ahead a lot less bumpy.

Practice Getting Better at It: This is where all that ‘Feel the fear, but do it anyway’ crap comes in, because doing stuff that scares us – saying ‘Yes’ to that blind date or ‘No’ to that pushy friend –  strengthens our emotional muscles and with practice we get better at it. It can be helpful to visualise how you will look/feel after you make your desired changes, as this actually prepares our brain and makes the changes easier to implement. So really see yourself nailing that presentation, looking fly in that bikini or making the leap from that airplane.

Start Small : The big picture can often overwhelm but even the smallest steps can add up to real progress over time. Kate and Bret McKay, who write the popular Art of Manliness blog suggest, ‘Instead of trying to make radical changes in a short amount of time…each day, just focus on getting 1% better in whatever it is you are trying to improve…it might not seem like much, but those 1% improvements start compounding on each other.’ And before you know it, you are really on your way to where you want to be.

This Get Happier post is brought to you by someone who told her son the ‘C’ word was Couch.