Is Monogamy Too Much to Ask For?

A Hen’s party post popped up on my feed a few weeks ago. Bobbing behind the line up of glamorous girls was a bunch of balloons that said – ‘Yay! Same Penis Forever!’ This cheery tag-line can be found scrawled in gold glitter across all manner of bachelorette decor. You can have ‘Same Penis Forever’ spelt out in festive bunting, you can sip from mugs that exclaim it, you can send cards that announce it, and you can even temporarily tattoo your joy that this cock shall indeed be your last.

Because, that essentially is the dream. Meet, mate, fall in love and agree, that from this day forward, the only genitals we will touch will be each other’s. Unfortunately, despite best intentions, this is not how it always ends up going down (so to speak). I have witnessed enough infidelity car wrecks over the years to know, that it’s the marriages without any dents that stand out the most. Although the stats vary, it is estimated that up to 50% of marriages might be touched by infidelity and it is still one of the leading causes of relationship and marital breakdown all over the world.

So, is monogamy too much to ask for? Is it just an outdated notion, more befitting to back-in-the-day, when a women’s livelihood was far more dependent on her marital status that it might be now? Does our 24/7 access to porn, private messaging and the tinder-tastic smorgasbord of opportunity make not straying damn near impossible?

Maybe.

Let’s be honest – Having sex with the exact same person, for like EVER is a very big ask.

But then again – so is living happily ever after. Or raising a (relatively)well-adjusted family. Or starting a business. Or following your passion. Or getting to and staying at your ideal weight. Nothing worth fighting for is easy my friend – so in the spirit of optimism let’s look at how we (might) be able to master, or at least manipulate this cherished notion of monogamy into something that is closer to the happy ending (Ahem!) we are all hoping for.

My favourite experts in this arena, bar none, are Dan Savage (who writes the relationship and sex advice column ‘Savage Love’) and Esther Perel, (psychotherapist and bestselling author, who speaks more eloquently on relationships and cheating than anyone I know). Their advice, along with my own 25-year, same-penis-forever experience on the marital front line, should tell you everything you need to know.

It’s Normal to Fancy Other People. We are all sexual beings and finding other people attractive does not mean you love your partner any less. The human brain is sophisticated enough to allow us to love someone wholeheartedly, but still maintain the impulses and drives that prompted us to partner up in the first place. As the rather sexy Mariella Frostrup said when questioned on this topic – ‘Being in a long-term relationship doesn’t lobotomise the part of your brain that deals with physical attraction; it relies on your ability to choose.’ Quite.

Esther says: ‘Until now monogamy has been the default setting, and it sits on the premise (however unrealistic) that if you truly love, you should no longer be attracted to others.’

Dan says: ‘Just because you are in a relationship it doesn’t mean you won’t want to have sex with other people. It just means that you will try to refrain from doing so.’

Charlotte says: I may be married, but I am not blind. Hot people are everywhere and sometimes I notice them.

Our Expectations Are Too High. Let’s be honest – the whole Fairy-tale deal is a bit f*cked. You are highly unlikely to find ONE person who is going to meet all your emotional, romantic and sexual needs. It might feel like you have when you first fall in love, but this chemical reactive ‘infatuation stage’ is just that – a stage. Down the track, true love is less of a hormonal hot bed and as much a mindset of respect and commitment. Just because everything isn’t perfect, and you don’t want to jump your partners bones every minute, does not mean it is time to saddle up with someone else.

Esther says: ‘We put so much emphasis on being happy and completely fulfilled by the one person with whom we choose to spend our lives, that it puts an unnecessary strain on that relationship over time.’

Dan says: ‘There is no ‘the one’. The ‘one’ is a creation and a gift that you give someone, and they give you the same gift in return.’

Charlotte says: The Key to Happiness is Low Expectations. Lower. Nope, even lower. There You Go.

You Need to Be in It, To Win It. Having sex with your partner increases your chances of being in a monogamous relationship. It might seem obvious to most…..And yet!…….I know women who never have sex with their husbands, but who are appalled when they find out they have been having it with somebody else. And, yes – I know – you are tired. You feel a bit fat. You had a bad day at work. You have kids. You have your period. Yadda, yadda, yadda. I am not saying you should be swinging from the chandeliers, legs akimbo, 7 nights a week – but if you are genuinely interested in a close, intimate relationship with your partner, then sex is, for many people, a pretty key ingredient. Not feeling it? You are not alone – 21,090 people per month google ‘Sexless Marriage’ and cheating website, Ashley Madison is the 2^nd most popular dating website in the world. That said, there is a difference between having sex and having satisfying sex. Communication here is key. I know – it might be awkward, God forbid you offend the other person with your feedback and who knows, you might be into some semi-weird stuff,..but having your needs met with a loving partner can be a lot less messy than having them serviced elsewhere.

Esther says: ‘People are always horrified when you tell them that you have to schedule sex, because they want it to be spontaneous and to fall from the heavens while you’re folding the laundry. But sex only happens if you make it happen.’

Dan says: “If your partner won’t f*ck you, one person doesn’t have the right to unilaterally declare another person’s sex life over.”

Charlotte says: I am in it. What do I win?

What Works For You? Monogamy is not for everyone. If you can find someone who is happy to accommodate your desires or is happy to similarly explore their own in a mutually agreeable, acceptable way then you do not need my permission to go forth and fornicate. There are an increasing number of studies on consensual non-monogamous (CNM) relationships and the reported happiness couples have with their ‘primary’ partner, counters the idea that people turn to polyamory (consensual shagging with more than one person) due to dissatisfaction with their current set up. That said – true story – I know two married couples who decided to spice things up by partner swapping. Sadly, things took a post-coital about turn, when two of the people involved who were not married to each other, decided to partner up, leaving the other two no doubt feeling rather flaccid. Consider yourself warned.

Esther says: ‘Relationships are complex. The rules are changing very fast, and we need to make up our own rule book. We need our own principles and unique ways of thinking.’

Dan says: (in reference to his own 25 yr partnership which he terms “monogamish”) ‘Far from it being a destabilising force in our relationship, it’s been a stabilising force. It may be why we are still together.’

Charlotte says: Personally, I am OK with not shagging anyone else. That said – finding out that other people still want to shag me is not entirely unwelcome.

In Conclusion: Life is hard, and love is complicated. At some stage you may f*ck up in the fidelity stakes or your dearly beloved might skip the ‘same genitals’ memo. Standard procedure at this stage is ALL hell breaks loose. Infidelity is generally viewed as an ‘unforgivable’ act, one that destroys marriages and leaves families scattered in its midst. The ensuing storm is often less about the actual sex and way more about the betrayal, the lies and the sheer deceit involved. Once trust is ultimately broken, it can be almost impossible to repair. If anyone can put it in perspective,  Esther can (watch her TED talk ‘Rethinking Infidelity – For anyone who has ever loved’ here.) That said, I am kind of with Mr. Savage on this one. He suggests we extend the same kindness to monogamy that we do to sobriety – if someone says they have been sober for 15 years, bar that one time they fell off the wagon, we commend their sobriety and consider them good at it. Not so with monogamy. One strike and you are OUT – so, before you drop your pants you may want to ask yourself if you are willing to risk the love and stability you already have, for the short-lived thrill that might play out better in your imagination, than it will on the cold bathroom floor.

Esther says: ‘The quality of your life ultimately depends on the quality of your relationships’.

Dan says: ‘Every relationship you are in will fail, until one doesn’t’.

Charlotte says: I am a lot better at fidelity than I am at sobriety. Fact.

This Get Happier post is brought to you by someone who is great in bed. I can sleep for days.