Why You Are Probably Not Married (and why blokes give less of a Fu*k).

Let me guess.

You are reading this because you are single and want to get married.

Or are married and curious what the f*ck is up with all those poor single people who can’t seem to.

Or are a bloke, who has already stopped reading this ’cause they might still be single but they couldn’t really give a stuff.

Yes, this may be a very broad generalisation, but lurking beneath every blatant cliche is often a kernel (if not a whole bag of corn) of truth. I know waaay more women than men in their 20’s and 30’s and 40’s who want to get married. There seems to be a point where women are pretty comfortable that they have sampled enough of the buffet and are biologically inclined to cosy up and settle down. Guys – Mmmmmm – Not so much. The male species, on the whole, have big appetites and would happily return time and again to the buffet table. All you can eat. Ad Infinitum. Not even joking.

The three key reasons men tend to get married are:

1. They are pressured, cajoled, encouraged, seduced or given an ultimatum of sorts.

2. They see the prospect for the prize that she is and marry her to ensure no one else snaps her up first. Me, Tarzan. You, Jane.

3. Timing. Maybe they have all their work ducks in a row and see marriage as the next logical step (so ask whoever they happen to be dating at that particular time) or are carried along on the ‘everyone else is getting married’ wave and assume it must be the right time to get wet.

Pretty depressing, right? Wrong. People get married all of the time and so can you*.  That said, if you are super keen, you may just want to tweak one or two things to make the path a little less resistant. Nobody is more brutally honest about the things you might be doing wrong than Tracy McMillan, who has been married an impressive three times and is the author of ‘Why You’re Not Married….Yet. The Straight Talk You Need to Get the Relationship You Deserve.’

She offers a totally sugar-free list of reasons why marital joy might have alluded you thus far – varying from ‘You’re A Bitch’ to ‘You’re A Slut’ and a variety of other insults in between – basically working off the premise that it’s OK for a fellow gal to call you names ’cause she has your best interests at heart. One of my favourite quotes is both gentle reminder and respectful nod to the fact that men, unlike women, tend not to overthink this stuff too much. And when I say this, I mean no disrespect to my male friends who admit to hunkering down in the anxiety bunker along with the rest of us.

‘The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here’s what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn’t think so. You’ve seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man’s fear and insecurity in order to get married — but actually, it’s perfect, since working around a man’s fear and insecurity is big part of what you’ll be doing as a wife.’ 

So No.1 suggestion is to try being nice. Keep your weepy, stroppy, irrational self for the company of your girlfriends. If the guy does decide to marry you, don’t you worry, he will get a chance to see your whole emotional range at some stage in the near future. Surprise!  

The other reasons you may not be married yet are a mixed bag. It could be that your deal breakers are out of control and you need to get real already. Not that it’s entirely our fault. I still blame the likes of Julia Roberts, Sandra Bullock and Jennifer Garner for making me believe that if I had just been a hooker, or driven a bus too fast or travelled 17 years in the future, I too could have taken home Richard Gere, Keau Reeves or Mark Ruffalo. It could be down to good old fashioned insecurity – how in God’s name can he love me when I so routinely self-loathe? Maybe it is that you are a wee bit selfish and self-absorbed? Love for the whole part is less me-me-me and more you-you-you. Or it could be that you are confusing good sex with true love (blame the oxytocin — a bonding hormone that is released post-orgasm) – so pack up your slutty panties and reserve the good stuff for the keepers. Maybe ‘You’re a Mess’ (too drunk, irresponsible or needy) or just waaay too many shades of ‘Crazy’. Maybe you are acting too much like a ‘Dude’ and if so, ‘you might want to see what it’s like to let the game come to you’. Or are you still Lying to yourself (and to the guy) that you are totally happy not getting married and just being treated like shit every now and then when it suits him?

Thankfully, after basically leaving us with almost no personality to speak of, Tracey does have some good news. ‘I believe every woman who wants to can find a great partner. You’re just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won’t. Once the initial high wears off, you’ll just be you, except with twice as much laundry. Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something — it’s about giving it. Strangely, men understand this more than we do. Probably because for them marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession — a free-agent penis — and for us, it’s the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal, it built Disneyland.’

There again, and no offence to Tracy, the reason you might not be married…yet, may have nothing to do with your insecure, bitchy, needy, slutty, messy, blokey brand of crazy. It could just be that – you know – you just haven’t met the right person yet?

This Get Happier post is brought to you by someone who is married. Bias therefore precludes me from advising if it is a worthy pursuit.

*You may choose to read some of my ‘Why Husband’s Are Annoying & What You Can do About It’ posts & feel free to re-valuate the merits of wanting to spend the rest of your life with the exact same person. For, like, Ever.

Photo Credit: CCO Public Domain and Free for Commercial Use – Thanks to Max Pixel.