The ‘Married at First Sight’ Guide to Love

I am not immune to the odd binge of bad TV. I lost 58 (!) hours of my life to Love Island UK and was, quite frankly, ashamed of myself – but at least I did get a blog post out of it. Recently, I have been watching the absolute car crash of a show, Married at First Sight . – where a bunch of ‘experts’ match couples up and they meet for the first time at the alter. It’s horrendous and compulsively watchable at the same time.

Thankfully, as far as social experiments go, it has got some interesting things to say about relationship roadblocks, and if I will insist on getting sucked in to this reality nonsense, I might as well get some scraps of content from the refuse.

The Problem with First Impressions: As a species, we are a seriously judgy lot. According to a Princeton University study, our brain makes a judgement in a tenth of a second when it sees a new face – this may explain why out of the 1 billion swipes a day that Tinder garners, less than 12% result in a match. And yes, I know we want the attraction to be instant and all fireworks and fanny flutters…..but….it is worth noting that our first impressions are notoriously prone to error. Our brains are lazy and we are quick to make assumptions. So, if his smile, shoes or full sleeve makes us instantly assume he is friendly, stylish or aggressive, then we will seek out further evidence to support that, ignoring a whole pile of other information in the process. Our survival-based need to evaluate others quickly means we even select completely random information to connect the dots. So, if you meet a guy who drives the same car as ‘dickhead Dave’, you might assume this new dude is one too.

Married at First Sight Lesson: Be a little less quick to judge. If your friend thinks this person is great and might be a match for you, don’t just run for the hills because you, ‘could never date a girl who didn’t go to Uni’ or ‘you only date guys who are over 6.3’. Deal Breakers are all well and good, but if you have more than a handful, they might be one of the reasons you are still single. Just sayin’.

Least Attractive Qualities: Reality TV is in the business of making people look bad, but the thing that makes me cringe the most on the show is the the bad-mouthing of partners in public. Telling other people that your partner, ‘never wants to put out’, ‘is such a dweeb’ or a ‘total idiot’, serves no valuable purpose and can be a clear indication of a relationship in crisis. In fact, criticism was one of the four primary predictors of divorce, discovered by John Gottman, in his studies on marital longevity. In addition to making others uncomfortable, it makes the bad-mouther look worse and fires at the very heart of the two things us humans like least; being devalued and being asked to submit. (Discluding, of course, actual submissives, who probably find it quite the turn on.)

Married at First Sight Lesson: Don’t put your partner down in public. It’s not nice, makes you look like an arsehole and in terms of getting positive behaviour change, it absolutely sucks. While people may hate to submit, they do like to cooperate. So, to elicit positive behaviour change you need to show VALUE for that person – the exact opposite of what criticism does. Gottman’s antidote to criticism is the ‘gentle start up’, which encourages you to focus your complaint on a specific behaviour, avoid starting sentences with ‘You’ (which attributes blame) and take the softly, softly approach – ‘What do I feel?’ (lonely/left out/unsure) and ‘What do I need?” (to be heard/to be included/reassured).

Love is not All About You: If there is one thing you notice on shows like this, it’s all ME, ME, ME. ‘I deserve this’ or ‘I want that,’ or ‘I definitely don’t want that.’ Which, when it comes to love, is completely missing the point. Love is not about what you can get, its about what you can give, and if you start to focus less on yourself and more on the other person, the whole dynamic of the relationship can change. Behaviour also tends to be contagious and so if you behave like a stroppy cow, you are only going to get behaviour that reflects that back (be it anger, defensiveness or avoidance).

Married at First Sight Lesson: Love is not something that just turns up and plonks itself down in your life, instantly giving YOU everything YOU need, want and deserve. As the very wonderful Esther Perel reminded us recently on twitter, ”’To love” is a verb, and verbs are dynamic. They imply action, intention, and responsibility.’ So, what are you waiting for? Start doing, trying and taking it and see how much happier your ever-after can be.

If your lucky, they may even put up with your shocking taste in TV shows 😉

This GET HAPPIER post is brought to you by someone who also reads hard books and watches clever, foreign films with sub-titles.