How To Train Your Partner (and other useful relationship advice.)

When it comes to getting what we want, most of us go about it the wrong way. We nag, and we sulk. We complain, and we huff. We ask for help and then say, ‘Not like that, here let me.’ Or worse still, we re-do whatever it is they just did, because they didn’t do it quite the way we like it.

Stuff might end up getting done, but NO one ends up any happier.

Thankfully all manner of experts, from B.F Skinner who learnt about positive reinforcement from his training of rats, to Amy Sutherland, who studied the techniques of exotic animal trainers and applied similar principles in her own marriage, are at hand to help us do better. Having done much of the legwork for you (reading, researching and practicing on my own bewildered spouse), I am delighted to present:

The T.R.H Guide to Getting Him or Her to Do MORE of What You Want & LESS of What You Don’t.

Praise Them. Instead of moaning about what they are not doing right, praise them for the things that they are. Skinner’s rats taught us that people are very responsive to reward. If we behave in a certain way and get swiftly rewarded for doing so – ‘Thank you so much Darling’ –  this positively reinforces the behaviour. So, every bin taken out, every shirt hung back up, every dish put away should get the positive attention it deserves. If they put the kids to bed, but there are still piles of dishes in the sink, thank them for the kids and make no mention of the dishes. I appreciate that this can be hard to do, because our natural tendency is to only respond to the negative. Instead of seeing what has been done, (kids bathed, dressed and tucked up in bed), we laser in on what has not been done (the lasagne-crusted plates). Try to focus on the positive – notice when they are on time, when they do look nice and when they follow through on their promises – the idea being this will make them less late, less scruffy and less unreliable, more often.

Ignore Them. People, like Dolphins, love attention. In her New York Time’s article, ‘What Shamu Taught Me About A Happy Marriage’, Amy Sutherland describes how her observations of the Sea World trainers taught her that, ‘ANY response, positive or negative, fuels a behaviour’. Which explains why moaning and nagging can actually encourage the behaviour we are so desperately trying to discourage. Better some attention, than none at all. This is where people, (and dolphins), can benefit from some L.R.S (least reinforcing syndrome). Annoying behaviour should be ignored because, ‘if a behaviour provokes no response, it typically dies away.’ So, whereas before, when Amy’s husband would be running around the house frantically looking for his keys, she would tear around after him simultaneously trying to sooth him, she now leaves him to it. If you don’t allow yourself to get caught up in the drama, then it naturally becomes less of one, (parents of teenagers everywhere – take note.)

Divert Them. The aim here is to side-track undesirable behaviour. The stuff that bugs the sh*t out of you. Sutherland’s husband used to hover over her incessantly whilst she was cooking, which used to drive her mental. So, based on a technique she witnessed on the training of Crane birds, she began to divert him away from hovering distance. She busied him with parsley to chop. She proffered up bowls of chips for him to enjoy in the other room. It’s called ‘incompatible behaviour’ training and it can be used successfully on Crane birds, the family pet, toddlers and partners alike. The trick is to keep your objective on the down low. “Never say, ‘Do this, so you won’t do the thing that is really bugging me’”, warns Sutherland. “Just offer up another activity that the person would want to do, like eating chips.”

Show Them. On a biological level, mimicry is something animals do easily and well, so if you demonstrate, they will follow. Treat your partner with love and respect and you will likely have that behaviour mimicked back at you. Emotions tend to be contagious and so, if your partner is always grumpy and negative, it won’t be long until you are too. Show your partner the type of person you want to be with, by being that type of person.

Tell Them. In an ideal world our person would instinctively know exactly what we need and want at any given moment – be it a comforting hug, help with all the shit we are lugging up the stairs or fervent agreement that we are in the right. Sadly, many of us co-exist cluelessly. Blindly navigating the emotional terrain, simply guessing what the other person wants and often baffled when their partner is suddenly cross or in a mood. Men especially excel at being baffled and so sometimes we need to S-P-E-L-L it out. Author and Psychologist, Jordan Peterson advises we keep it simple  – ‘You want to recommend the minimal necessary change that will satisfy you’. And then you need to be patient, because it is hard for people to learn new things and even harder for them to unlearn bad habits.

Let Them. So, now that you have told them what you would like, let them at least try, even if they do it badly. Resist the urge to play ‘gatekeeper’  – if you continually sabotage your partners attempts, (putting down their efforts or doing it again ‘your way’), this will only discourage them further. Not Sexy. The fact that there is a published book with the title, ‘How Can I Be Your Lover When I’m Too Busy Being Your Mother’, probably tells you all you need to know. In better news, studies have shown that men who do more housework get more action. Period.

Couldn’t care less if it is true or not – that is the story I am sticking to back at my ranch.

This Get Happier post is brought to you by someone who has found it advantageous to be deliberately bad at ironing.

Photo Credit: via Flickr.com ( simpleinsomnia)