Is She Better Than Me? Overcoming The Curse of Comparison.

I grant you – it is almost impossible not to do.

For example – there is this girl at my gym who at the beginning of every class, ties the edge of her t-shirt into a little knot, exposing this tanned strip of abdominal perfection. I’ll be honest – a small piece of me dies every time she does this, because I am pretty sure I will be a knot-free zone for the rest of my foreseeable, t-shirt-wearing future. This bronzed goddess is about 20 years younger than me, and undoubtedly way more dedicated to her temple than I am – and yet, still I torture myself with the curse of comparison.

We ALL do it. Whether we are at the gym or in the office. Whether we are picking up our kid from school, or are out for dinner with friends. All day long, both consciously and sub-consciously, we are weighing and measuring, ranking and filing, and ultimately deciding if we are better or worse.

Are they Fitter? Fatter? Slower? Smarter?   

Do they Earn More, but Weigh Less?

Better job? Bigger arse?

This idea that we might determine our own social and personal worth, based on how we compared with others, was first flagged by a social psychologist by the name of Leon Festinger, who coined the term ‘Social Comparison Theory’. Of course, our mate Leon, had no idea that Instagram would throw a vat of kerosene all over his social comparison theory. Leon could never have conceived of the comparative hell that we subject ourselves to, willingly no less. All those perfect bodies (that are not ours), all those nutritious meals (that we cannot cook), all those Caribbean adventure holidays (that we are not on). However, I am not here today to talk about social media – because we all know that it is a hot-bed for feeling crap about ourselves. Scroll at your peril my friends.

This week, I am simply here to try and direct your focus in a more helpful way.

What Matters to You? The comparisons we feel most acutely usually relate to the things we value highly. So, whilst you may be a little pissed off at how financially stable Megan seems to be, the fact it annoys you so much can be useful. Sometimes feeling unpleasant emotions are a call to what we really value and a chance for us to tweak aspects of our own lives.

Look More. Judge Less.  Remember, this is where it helps to be objective – that extra training/studying has really paid off for Jane, maybe I should look at how I can add some value to my role. This is far healthier than dwelling in the subjective – Geez -Jane is so much more successful than me, I really must be a worthless piece of unambitious shit. Next time you find yourself comparing – fairly or unfairly – dig around and take a closer look. What is it about that person that you admire? What is it about them that you disdain so much? Self-awareness is a wonderful thing, because awareness is the first step towards positive change. True self-awareness, (or emotional intelligence as it is often referred to), lets us take a look under our bonnet, but does so without judgement. So, it’s less ‘you silly, fat cow’ and more ‘why do I keep sabotaging my health with bad choices?’ and ‘What realistic steps can I make to improve?’

Judge Less. Admire More. Self-improvement occurs when an upward comparison (Gosh, Sandy is looking so great), doesn’t make us feel crap but instead inspires us to try harder.

It’s Not Really About Them: If it’s happiness that you are after, then comparing yourself to others is mostly a waste of your time. Sonia Lyubomirsky, in her book ‘The How of Happiness’, explains that, ‘people who are happy use themselves for upward comparison.’ For example – ‘A happy runner compares himself to his last run, not to others who are faster.’ 

And that, my friend, is the real kernel of goodness in all this comparison crap.

In Jordan B Peterson’s EXCELLENT book, ’12 Rules for Life – An Antidote to Chaos’, Rule 4 states, ‘Compare Yourself To Who You Were Yesterday, Not To Who Someone Else Is Today.’ Because, that is really all that matters. It matters diddly squat how many push ups she can do. It is beside the point, how well he handles his marriage. It is of no matter how much better off they both seem to be. Turn your focus back around – to YOU – and ask what you might be able to do that would make things in your life ‘a tiny bit better than they were this morning.’

Every morning ask yourself the same question – ‘Do that for three years, and your life will be entirely different.’

This Get Happier post is brought to you by someone who smiled at the girl in the t-shirt this morning – she smiled back. Abs and nice – goddamn her!