Why People Cheat (and why Sex is rarely the reason).*

We have all been there. Either sordidly sneaking around behind someone’s back and then spending hours in the shame dungeon covered in the sticky residue of self-disgust. OR maybe we have been the one betrayed- choking on the foul stench of suspicion and having our heart crushed by lust’s greedy mitts. No question – Cheating Sucks and the Infidelity Fairy is not granting any good wishes when she is on a mission.

Today’s 10-minute wisdom comes from the Belgian authority of Esther Perel – a relationship therapist who has helped hundreds of couples cope in the aftermath of an affair. She has stared infidelity in the face and has tons of smart advice about why people cheat, why it feels so yuk when it happens to us and how (sometimes) your relationship can come out of it new and improved.

How many people actually cheat?

Morbid curiosity aside, it’s an impossible question to answer as there is no ‘universal agreed upon definition of what constitutes infidelity’ so no exact statistics can exist. Does sexting count? What about regularly watching porn without telling your partner? While one person may think a quick snog with a stranger is no big deal another might baulk at so much as an impure thought. I know friends who would way prefer their partner received a blow job from a stranger than formed a new friendship with a pretty female they – God forbid – actually liked.

Why Infidelity sucks extra hard in 2017: ‘It has never been easier to cheat and it’s never been more difficult to keep a secret.’

• Pressure – We have put a lot of pressure on love having created this idea of a ‘Romantic Ideal’. We are looking for a person who will meet all of our needs – as a lover, best friend, perfect parent, our intellectual equal – the ‘One’. Big ask and only sets us up for disappointment.
• Modern Times: In the olden days when Marriage was a material agreement affairs were where we sought a ‘love connection’. ‘Now that we marry for love, an affair is the thing that can destroy that love.’ Oh – the bittersweet irony!
• The Internet – In the digital age deception can be the ‘death of a thousand cuts’ – where once suspicions could be confirmed by a scrunched up receipt or the waft of an unfamiliar perfume – now, chances are, if you are nosy enough you can find out every sordid detail – the messages, the emails, the photos – all played out like a bad movie in which you play only a very minor role.
• ‘I Deserve This’ – We now all live in the age of entitlement where we are constantly being told we ‘deserve to be happy’ – so if we aren’t we often move quickly to a place where we can be. It is often only in hindsight that we see playing the short game ends up leaving us less happy than ever before.

Why do we Cheat? The ‘typical assumption is if someone is cheating there is something wrong in your relationship or wrong with you’ – Not so according to Esther – often it could be something completely unrelated such as:

• The Power of the Forbidden –we always want what we can’t have and the very structure of an affair fuels desire even more – – ‘if we do that which we are not supposed to do then we really feel we are doing what we want to do’.
• The Missing Link – Often the cheater is ‘not so much looking for another person but is more looking for another self’. Say What? ‘At the heart of an affair you often find a longing for something missing – less to do with their partner and more to do with their own issues – be it novelty, freedom or autonomy.’ The affair is their way of not getting older or feeling trapped or an escape from always being the ‘good girl’.
• To ‘Feel Alive’ – Often ‘death and mortality live in the shadow of an affair’ – whether it is the literal death of a parent or close friend or more a general sense of ‘is this it? / ‘is this all there is?’ – the affair becomes the self-prescribed ‘antidote to death’.
• It is ‘less about sex and way more about desire*’ – desire for attention, desire to feel special, desire to feel important.

What to do if you have been cheated on?

1. Surround yourself with friends and activities that ‘generate a sense of self-worth’ to give you back your joy and meaning.
2. ‘Curb your curiosity to mine for the sordid details’ – none of that – Where did you do it? How did you do it? How Many times did you do it? business.
3. If you are going to be asking questions, go for the more helpful/investigative ones – ‘What did the affair mean to you?’ ‘What is it about us that you value?’
4. Take some responsibility? Betrayal comes in many forms and they are not all waving their knickers in the air – contempt, neglect, indifference are all forms of betrayal that can destroy a relationship – Esther reminds us that ‘The victim of the affair is not always the victim of the relationship’.

What to do if you are the Cheater?

Some people come from the deny-everything school of infidelity but the grown-up advice is:

1. End the affair – Duh.
2. Express guilt and remorse – ‘we know from trauma that healing begins when the perpetrator acknowledges their wrong doing’. Sincerity is key here – tell them you are a lying piece of sh*t sure – but make sure you actually mean it.
3. Bring it up – take the pressure off your partner from the burden of carrying all this yuk and take ownership that it happened so you can both try to move on.
4. Keep it in your pants going forward. Obvi.

Cheating – Happily Ever After?

Affairs are often the death knell of a relationship – especially for those that were already ‘dead on the vine’. Others will try and find a way through to the other side and this ‘new disorder’ can actually fuel desire and bring couples closer and with a greater sense of intimacy than ever before. To these couples,  Esther will often say – ‘Today, in the West, most of us will have 2/3 relationships or marriages and some of us will have them with the same person. Your first marriage is over – would you like to create the second one together?’

A Useful Reminder:

If couples were to bring ‘1/10^th of the boldness that goes into an affair into their own relationship there may be no need for an affair to begin with.’

In Conclusion:

‘Every affair will redefine a relationship but it is up to the couple to decide what that legacy will be.’

This GET HAPPIER post is brought to you by someone whose husband knows that our legacy would leave him with a much smaller penis.

*And P.S – Sometimes it is just about the Sex.

Catch the whole ‘Rethinking Infidelity …a talk for anyone who has ever loved’ TED talk from Esther Perel here