How To Deal With Idiots (and other people that we love).

In life we will come across all manner of annoying people. And we must somehow find a way to deal with them – every petty, pompous, irritating, know-it-all, entitled, smug-tastic last one of them. Without losing our credibility or our cool. Not Easy

For me personally, this week has been particularly challenging, requiring much tongue biting and taking of deep breaths. Lots of staying calm and being reasonable. Fake smiling and trying not to cry. So, in the absence of any cool of my own, I thought we could look at how some properly trained badasses suggest we deal with idiots (and other people that we love.)

The Hostage Negotiator:

The Behavioral Change Stairway Model, developed by the FBI’s hostage negotiation team is perfect for dealing with unreasonable people. The 5-step process aims to get people to see your point of view and hopefully change their behaviour accordingly. It starts with Active Listening – listening to their side of the story, without bullying straight in with your defence. General nodding, a few ‘uh-huh’s’, a bit of repeating back what they are saying and the odd open-ended question. Then, by showing them some Empathy (understanding how they feel), ‘I can imagine that made you feel left out…’ you can begin to build Rapport (reciprocal empathy and trust). With trust comes Influence, allowing you to start helping them find the best course of action going forward, which ideally results in Behavioural Change (doing what you wanted them to do all along).

This model requires some patience, but if it means they come out with their hands up eventually, it may be worth it.

The Relationship Counsellor: 

Esther Perel works with couples in crisis and her advice is perfect for the rifts we have with our partner’s and lovers. First up, ‘Check Your Bias’ – we tend to seek out evidence that confirms what we think is true. So, if you think he always flirts with women, you will disregard any evidence to the contrary – even the times he only had eyes for you.  Next up – try and avoid the words ‘Always’ and ‘Never’. Telling her she’s ‘always late’ or telling him that ‘ he never considers your feelings‘ immediately sets the stage for defence. When it comes to finger pointing, we need to cut out the character assassination – especially when we are guilty of double standards. His lateness is a sign of his rudeness and lack of respect, whereas yours is just a case of missing the bus or a meeting running over. Esther calls this ‘fundamental attribution error where we attribute our mistakes to the context, but the ones of our partners are rooted in their faulty personality.’ Basically, you are saying, ‘I am perfect, and you are not.’ Lastly, she reminds us, ‘the truth is, a criticism is often a veiled wish. When I say, “You never do the dishes,” what I really mean to say is “I’d love for you to do them more.” But I don’t say that because it makes me vulnerable. If I put myself out there and say, I would really like this, and then you don’t do it, I have to think that you don’t care.’

I agree. Relationships are hard. ‘Do more dishes’ is probably very good advice.

The Child Psychologist:   

Child psychologists suggest a variety of ways to help kid’s resolve conflict, but they work just as well on grown-ups. Don’t forget to Use Your Words – being clear about what you are feeling and why is a lot better than just shouting and blaming. Try using John Gottman’s XYZ model – ‘In situation X, when you do Y, I feel Z.’ This helps make it less about them (and how stupid, selfish and downright wrong they are) and more about you (and how they hurt your feelings). Things will also be easier if you Choose Your Battles – before you lift the lid, decide if that dropped towel, forgotten chore or mild case of road rage is worth your time and energy. And if in the unlikely scenario, you Catch Them being Good (noticing when they have been helpful at work/home/letting you overtake) you are more likely to encourage that behaviour going forward.

You might even want to reward them with a treat – after all, if they are behaving like a big baby, then they can only be expected to be treated as such.

This Get Happier post is brought to you by someone who doesn’t need anger management. She just needs people to stop pissing her off.