3 Things That (Might) Save Your Relationship

Most relationships fall over due to the same things – sex, money, boredom and busyness. I mean, sure, at the start its all legs akimbo and candle-lit promises, but throw in some familiarity, a little day-to-day domesticity and next minute you’re popping on your big pants, moaning about the sh*t you can’t afford and whinging about the wet towels being left on the floor (again!)

That said, there are a few simple (and not so simple) things you can do to make sure your love train doesn’t deviate too far from the tracks.

Here are three for starters:

1. Not Getting Lost in Translation: When it comes to the language of love, it seems that not all partners are created equally. If you are to believe Gary Chapman (along with at least 12 million other people who have paid money for his book) there are FIVE distinct love languages and understanding what your partners is (and ‘speaking’ it regularly) is the secret to keeping your love alive. They might require “Words of affirmation”(Thank you, I love you, You make me so happy) or be the type who prefers “Gifts” or “Acts of Service”(because nothing says I love you like Chanel or an unrequested fold of the laundry). They might value “Quality time” most highly (your attention, undivided if you please) or desire nothing more than “Physical touch” and lots of it (hugging, hand holding, shagging and the like). Despite the fact that it all sounds alarmingly American (love languages – pur-lease!), it actually (kinda) makes sense. If your dying to know yours and don’t mind being added to a database CLICK HERE to take the quiz.

2. Burying that Green-Eyed Monster: Jealousy is such a cow – she creeps on in, starts sprinkling doubt, begins invading privacy and often callously brings on the very action you feared from the start. For the most part, if your partner is going to cheat on you they are going to cheat on you regardless – so there is (honestly) no point getting your knickers in a bunch and stressing yourself out every time he’s* out with the lads. That said, maybe he wasn’t intending to cheat because he loves you and finds you attractive. But, then what happens? Jealousy shows up and you start acting all insecure (fyi – not so attractive) and doing weird sh*t like checking his phone, smelling his shirt and making accusations. Uh oh! Because, the thing is – being treated like an untrustworthy asshole probably doesn’t make your partner feel very loved, or even remotely horny. Or if it does make him horny, he is probably going to start looking elsewhere for his jollies. Oops!

3. Looking Out For The Horsemen: These four guys are the biggest indicators of your relationship’s impending doom as identified by John Gottman – a therapist who famously studied couples and predicted which ones would be divorced within 5 years with 90% (!) accuracy. They are: criticism (‘you never take the bins out – you are SO lazy’), contempt (‘I can’t believe you did that – you’re such an idiot’), defensiveness (‘It’s not my fault we are always late’) and stonewalling (‘Whatever!’) If you do spot them (because even the most committed relationships encounter conflict) you can try lubricating them with the following antidotes.

• Using I instead of you and focusing on a positive need (‘I feel really frustrated that it’s expected I do everything around the house – It would really help if you could X,Y and Z).
• Reminding yourself of his good qualities and noticing any positive actions (sure, he may suck at housework, but he’s a good Dad and makes a mean margarita)
• Accepting your partner’s perspective and apologising when necessary (okay – I guess I have been late most night this week, my bad.)

Got your own favorite relationship band-aid? Let me know in the comments 🙂

This GET HAPPIER post is brought to you by someone who has managed to keep love alive for 27 years (!!) without having a darn clue what his love language was, sometimes not even being clear what on earth he is talking about and often barely taking breath long enough to notice 😉

* Interchange for she/her/your preferred pronoun as required.