How to know if they are (actually) ‘The One’?

There is a BIG difference between a Saturday night hook up and forever, ever after. Obviously.  But at what point can we confidently know that the great guy (or girl) we are dating is (actually) ‘The One’?

Maybe it is as simple as putting them to the test………..

The Traffic Test: Tim Urban, who writes the wildly succesful blog, Wait But Why, suggests that when choosing a life partner we make sure they pass The Traffic Test. He describes this as ‘when I’m finishing up a hangout with someone and one of us is driving the other back home or back to their car, and I find myself rooting for traffic. That’s how much I’m enjoying the time with them.’ The requirements for this are four-fold – A great sense of humour because ‘No one wants to spend 50 years fake laughing’. Someone who is Fun and who crucially has the ‘ability to extract fun out of unfun situations’. A mutual ‘Respect for each other’s brains and way of thinking’ because your life partner essentially ‘doubles as a career/life therapist’ so that sh*t matters. Not forgetting a ‘Decent number of common interests, activities, and people-preferences’ – because if he loves golf (and you don’t) or he hates socialising (which you love) this will eventually become a problem. Not liking any of his friends is a warning siren not to be ignored.

The Bar Test: The premise for this one is simple and was suggested by Erika Ettin, dating coach and founder of the dating site ‘A Little Nudge‘. ‘When you are at a bar (or restaurant, wherever) with your new partner, are you looking around to see who else is out there or who might see you two together? Or are you perfectly content with your partner and want everyone there to notice you with him/her?’ This one works both ways – if you sense that they are assessing their options (and keeping them open) they may just not, you know, be that into you either.

The Conflict Test: How you argue with your partner can often tell you everything you need to know. Back in the 1970’s John Gottman and Robert Levenson began doing longitudinal studies of couples in a bid to predict which couples would divorce and which would stay together. After watching couples try and solve a conflict in their relationship, reviewing the tapes and then returning nine years later, they ended up predicting with over 90% accuracy the ones that would go the distance. They calculated the perfect conflict ratio was 5 to 1 – for every one negative feeling or interaction between partners there needed to be five positive feelings or interactions. So, for every expression of anger, belittling put down or sarcastic eye roll, there needs to be way more empathy, teasing, smiling and affection.

The Travel Test: I am a huge fan of this one. Watching someone out of their comfort zone, having to navigate unexpected delays and being made to queue for ages, before being wedged into a confined space for hours on end, is a sure fire way to work out who you could bear to live in close proximity with for the rest of your days. After two weeks away, ALL will be revealed – from their ability to compromise or make the best of a bad situation, to their levels of vanity and how they handle their finances. I agree with Bill Murray who said, ‘If you have someone who you think is ‘The One’, travel all around the world, and go to places that are hard to go to and hard to get out of. And if, when you come back, you’re still in love with that person, get married at the airport.’

The Ikea Test (and all the rest): A Mamamia article suggested this one, proposing that there is ‘nothing like a visit to a furniture-filled battleground and then attempting to assemble a Billy Bookshelf to really see someone’s true colours.’ My husband and I refer to the Homemaker’s Super Centre as the Divorce Centre. Surviving a soul-crushing Sunday spent looking for a new vacumm cleaner in one of those places is a rare test indeed. Other suggestions in the article were seeing how your beloved dealt with bad service in a restaurant, a nasty case of food poisoning, a major crisis or even a few days camping.

Which reminds me of the time my friends asked me to go camping so I made a list of things I would need.

1. New friends.

This GET HAPPIER post is brought to you by someone who thinks ‘the one’ is a myth * but appreciates your enthusiasm.

*watch the video -it’s a game changer!