5 Things You Should Stop Saying.

Don’t panic – I am not going to take your expletives away from you (because f*ck knows, 2020 deserves them).

But, I am going to suggest that there are some words you’d be better off deleting – for the sake of your relationships, your reputation and your right not to be treated like a doormat.

Let’s start with ‘Sorry!’ Don’t get me wrong – the occasional heartfelt ‘sorry’ has its place. ‘I’m sorry for your loss‘, ‘Sorry it didn’t work out the way you hoped‘, ‘Sorry for being such an inconsiderate dick.’ The issue here is with the ‘Sorry’ that enters the room before you do, the one that is always apologising – for choosing to say ‘No’ (‘Sorry, I won’t be able to make that meeting’), for having an opinion (‘Sorry, but I don’t think that’s true’) or for deigning to have feelings (‘Sorry, I don’t know why I am crying!‘) The perfect antidote to ‘Sorry’? ‘Thank you!’ – ‘Thank you for waiting, for your patience, for your understanding, for your time.’

Watch out for ‘Just’ – I’ve never been a big fan of holding on to things ‘Just in case!’ (Just in case what? Just in case VHS makes a comeback?) and ‘just’ is equally unhelpful when it shows up in our everyday chat. When we attribute it to ourselves it has a weakening effect- ‘I just look after the kids’ ‘I’m just a junior partner’ ‘I was just hoping you might be able to help.’ When our intention is to soften a request – ‘I just need you to organise the conference/look after the kids this weekend’ -it ends up diminishing the importance of what you are asking them to do. ‘Just’ is such a flaccid little word. Take it out of the equation and you’ll feel more erect in no time.

Be careful with ‘Hope’ – Whilst I am a huge fan of the word, peppering it into your daily chatter is unlikely to inspire much confidence. ‘I hope you don’t mind me asking…’ nudges open the door of doubt and gives them time to actually question – Do I mind them asking? That said, people love showing off their mastery so, by all means, ASK away. Just drop the ‘hope’ and replace it with something a bit more bullish – ‘I’d really love/appreciate your advice on something...’. When it comes to business dealings using the word ‘hope’ can make it sound like you are simply leaving it up to Jesus, fate or the full moon in Aquarius. ‘I hope the meeting goes well…’, ‘I hope people will be keen to buy our product…’. ‘Hope’ in this context implies a lack of planning – not something the corporate world respects. Replace it instead with a little bit of old fashioned positivity – ‘I am confident the meeting will go well/that they will love our product/ that 2nd cup of coffee is going to kick in shortly’

Steer Clear of ‘Always/Never’: These are pretty brutal words to be bandying around and both have the power to slice pretty deep. ‘You always let me down!’, ‘You never help around the house!’, ‘You are always late!’, ‘You never think about ME!’ In relationships, ‘always’ and ‘never’ are fighting words – essentially you are telling your partner they can’t EVER do something right and that you don’t believe they can change. So, why should they even bother to try? The safer bet? Explain that the behaviour has been happening ‘often’ and explain how it makes you feel – sad, unimportant, left out, like a loser. That way it’s not all about them and they might feel less inclined to strike back with some ‘always’ and ‘never’s’ of their own.

Forget about ‘Nothing!‘: ‘What’s wrong?’ When your partner replies ‘Nothing!’ you can be damn certain something is wrong. ‘Nothing!’ is the vocal equivalent of sulking. You are clearly upset but you are either going to a. goad your partner into being the one to start the argument or b. be silently pissed off that they aren’t smart enough to know what’s wrong instinctively (which means it is knowingly/unknowingly their fault). Neither of which is much fun for either party. Instead? Fess up – tell them why you are mad/sad and what they might be able to do/say that might make you feel better. I appreciate that their ability not to mindread is a terrible nuisance but the silent treatment rarely reaps relationship gains.

Which is a relief, because, whilst I am MANY things, silent is not one of them.

This GET HAPPIER post is brought to you as a reminder that some things are better left unsaid. Which I generally realise right after I have said them.