How to Stop Dating The Wrong People.

When it comes to love, what is the dream case scenario?

I’m guessing it’s a hot friend, who is in equal parts confidante, cheerleader, partner in crime and epic shag. A warm hearted, witty individual with an agreeable friendship group and a financial trajectory that is, quite frankly, impressive. Someone who smells nice, dresses well, shares most of our hobbies/interests, is a surprisingly good cook and not that shabby on the dancefloor. The kind of person who has had a comfortable enough upbringing to be emotionally stable but not been coddled to the point of not being properly funny. An all-rounder if you will – who is magically also looking for your particular brand of awesome.

And, just so happens to be single.

Lol.

Meanwhile, back here in the real world, I have been exploring some of the reasons you might have been having questionable success in the love stakes.

Are You Asking Yourself the Right Question? The overriding question/concern I hear from friends who are newly interested is ‘Does he like ME?*’ The length of time between texts, their tone and the content are all analysed within an inch of their life but often in their quest for validation they often forget to ask –‘Do I (actually)like him?’

Ditch the ‘Deal Breakers’: I know – you would never date someone who doesn’t drink/read/listen to hip hop or have a good relationship with their mother….But! Remember this. Dream case scenario does not exist. And, in better news, ONE person does not need to check every little box of your heart. He doesn’t like obscure foreign films? No problem – go with your friend from work who adores them. He can’t cook for sh*t? Excellent – I smell a Jamie Oliver inspired date night. He isn’t as tall as I hoped! So what? Let the poor guy stand on a step! I am not suggesting you compromise on any of your core values (funny, kind and also…funny) but love is, at its very heart, about acceptance. It’s about two equally flawed individuals finding a way to make living together for the rest of your life work. The less deal breakers the better 😉

Love Yourself a Little More: I have a friend who has been single for a while. Every time she inches a little closer to being less so, she finds a way to put herself off the chap in question. Any of us familiar with insecurity (hello darkness, my old friend!) might recognise this pattern well – if we don’t have that high a regard for ourselves, how on earth can we expect someone else too? In fact, if they are rather keen, that might be genuine cause for concern. What kind of an idiot would by choice decide to spend their time with someone as broken or un loveable as me?! Repeat after me – You is smart. You is kind. You is important.

Love Yourself a Little Less: On the more pampered and indulgent end of the spectrum, some people have had an excess of lifelong validation or have spent so much time alone that they can have trouble seeing themselves for the slightly prickly (but no less delightful) challenge that they might be. The ‘I deserve way better than that’ brigade can often find themselves equally lonely. And, sure – maybe it won’t work out – but you’ll never never know if you never never go. Blind dates – as cringe inducingly awkward as they may be – should also be embraced for the same reason (especially if the match is made by a friend). Confidence is sexy, over-confidence is not.

Be Weird Sooner: When we meet someone we like our natural instinct is to do anything we can to have that ‘like’ reciprocated. We tend to do this by morphing in to the curriculum vitae version of ourselves. The shiny, happy, accommodating prospect that actively chooses not to reveal our true quirks and passions lest that put him off. Don’t be afraid to be your weird and wonderful self from the get-go – seeing if you are compatibly crazy from the start will save you from a lifetime of pretending you like watching werewolf movies or are equally passionate about fly fishing, gaming or golf. Knowing you are ‘not for everyone’ is a pretty strong place to start.

But, Not THAT Weird*: Sure! Be yourself. But, in the interest of longevity, try and be the best version of yourself. ONE person does not need to be privy to every nook and cranny of your inner being. Some things are best kept sacred (or at least just between you and your bestie).

This GET HAPPIER post is brought to you by someone who urges you to stop waiting for Prince Charming. Get up and find him. The poor idiot might be stuck in a tree or something.

*Pls interchange ‘he/him’ for ‘she/they’ as is appropriate 😊

** Not sure how weird you should be? This post might help.