TME & The Art of Saying ‘No’

When someone asks you to do something (anything) there are usually 3 reasons why you’d rather not.

Time – I’m so Busy!

Money – I’m so Poor!

Energy – I’m so Tired!

TME – Time. Money. Energy.

When it comes to the important resources in life, that pretty much sums it up. Plus the fact that nobody really wants to go out and do anything anymore. Cancelled plans are literally our favorite thing. Ever!

Which is where saying ‘No’ comes in. ‘No’ is your glorious ticket to freedom. ‘No’ is your boundary-setting friend. ‘No’ is the way you can get your TME back, baby! Problem is, most of us are too riddled with anxiety, worried about disappointing, busily avoiding conflict and quietly rather awkward about actually saying it.

So, in the spirit of freedom and choosing your f*cks wisely, let me assist you with the 5 top tips to saying ‘No’ like you mean it.

Be Kind But Firm (and keep it brief): If you don’t want to go, or don’t have the time/money or energy to do something, just say ‘No’. You can still be nice about it – ‘it sounds like a great event/idea/opportunity,’ without compromising on firmness – ‘I won’t be able to make it/It’s not the right fit/ I will have to pass on this occasion.’ Resist temptation to waffle on about your reasons – they care if you can come, not about the myriad of reasons (babysitter bailed/not drinking at the moment/couldn’t think of anything I’d like to do less) that you can’t.

Don’t Be ‘Sorry’ – Leading with an apology is always going to be a bit of a soggy, wet blanket. It instantly puts you on the back foot. And worse, weakness leaves the door ajar, allowing a bossy friend to bully you back in to saying ‘Yes‘. The simple solution? Replace your ‘Sorry’ with a ‘Thank You’ – none of that ‘Sorry, I can’t make it’ business. Instead say, ‘Thank you so much for the invite/for thinking of me/for giving me this opportunity’. Then be nice and clear that you ‘won’t be able to make it/it’s not really my thing/I can’t commit to taking on any new projects right now.’ Sign off with something suitably upbeat – ‘have a great time/I look forward to seeing you at the game on Sat/ dying to hear all about it!’ – and move on with your life.

Keep the Fibs to a Minimum – Lies have a tendency to come back and bite you on the butt. If you tell them you aren’t free that Tuesday to do something (that you’d rather not), they might revert by offering you another day (Gah!). It’s much easier to be honest and to explain ‘that kind of invite would be wasted on me’ or ‘I am not really into group sports – but defs keen for cocktails next time you fancy…’. The world is too small, so if you say you need to stay home to work that day, odds are the invitee’s best friend/brother/uncle’s cousin will spot you doing the exact opposite. Or some idiot will post a pic of you out on the piss.

Don’t Be Selfish – Agreeing to do something you really don’t want to do (rollerblading/book club/another bloody baby shower) is actually pretty selfish. Unless it’s something you really should be saying ‘yes’ to (best friend’s wedding/Dad’s 80th/sister’s book launch), saying ‘no’ is not usually as much as a big deal as you might fear. And it’s OK for the people in your life to feel a bit disappointed with your ‘no’, whilst also respecting your time, needs and preferences – this is how brave boundaries are built, my friend.

Check Your Reasons – Are you saying ‘No’ for the right reasons? Is it because you would prefer to spend your time, money and energy elsewhere? Or have you slipped in to the ‘No’ default setting for fear of leaving your comfort zone? Because, nothing exciting/challenging or new happens there, my friend. Fiona Ward recently wrote a great article for Refinery 29, where she admitted that her excuses in the name of self-care, were starting to look a lot like self-sabotage. In it, she quotes clinical psychologist Dr Hamira Riaz, who agrees that self-care can be problematic when we use it for the wrong reasons. “We are giving in to our fears when we choose to stay in our comfort zones for too long,” she says. “We all have fears that hold us back in some shape or form. Facing into anxiety and worry involves an element of personal stretch that always feels uncomfortable, but it’s outweighed by the sense of accomplishment that comes with pushing through and achieving a goal.”

This GET HAPPIER post is brought to you by someone whose goal this week is just to make it through to the other side.