How to Communicate (Better) with Men.

There is a reason everyone always harps on about the ‘importance of communication’ in a relationship. Thinking before you speak (and sometimes choosing not to speak at all) can potentially save it from serious emotional fallout.

Problem is, if you are in a male/female partnership you may be unaware that communicating well is akin to learning a whole new language. So, in the interest of being heard, if you are going to talk (and by God am I good at that!) to the man in your life, you might as well do it right.

Alison Armstrong, author of ‘The Queen’s Code’ (buy it!) run’s whole courses on this stuff, which sound cheesy (A Hero’s Challenge, Dance of Partnership – Pur-lease!) but are full of useful stuff that can glue even the most un-stickiest relationships back together.

To get you started – here are 4 Ways to Communicate Better with Men*.

Don’t talk to them like they are women. I have friends who can, whilst chatting to me on the phone, simultaneously berate their toddler, marinate a batch of chicken drumsticks and practice smoothing out their forehead lines in the reflection of their range-hood. Women are “multi-taskers” by nature and to us ‘very few things qualify as an interruption. But for our single-focused hunter counterparts, almost everything is.’ So, if your man is talking, ‘it’s important not to stop them accidentally’ – even if you totally agree/disagree, it reminds you of the time when the-exact-same-thing happened to you and you are absolutely dying to jump in with the punchline.

Solution? Let him have his say. And ‘avoid most of what women do when we talk to each other: agreeing verbally, rephrasing your question, prompting the answer and nodding excessively.’

Skip every, single detail. Most women love a chat. We can literally talk for days – about that guy we fancy, how much we ate, that dress we love, our day from hell. And that is all well and good, but Alison urges us to ‘save the play-by-play for your girlfriends’. Because, the thing is – there is a fundamental difference between the way men think and listen and the way we do. The majority of men are ‘single-focused’ and when they are listening to us they are trying to ‘figure out “the point”‘. Too many details overwhelms and confuses them (what has Candice’s nightmare ex-boyfriend got to do with the point??!). Not to mention the fact that a lot of the time we don’t actually have a point per se – ‘ We are just expressing our thoughts and want to be heard.’ Duh!

Solution? Less is more. ‘If you’d like the man in your life to not glaze over, then you must spare the details.’

Ask questions. But – then wait for the answer. Most of us are pretty lousy listeners. We ask a question, half-listen, think about what we are going to say next and interrupt before they have properly finished their answer. And whilst ‘men are often accused of being shallow, they are actually the opposite. They are like deep, deep wells’. So, Alison suggests that when we ask a man a question, we give him a chance to really consider it and head back down to ‘the well’ for his answer.

Solution? Give him time to not only give his initial (surface) answer but then wait for a whole 30 seconds (I know – the agony!) before saying anything else. And if you are lucky you might then get to hear what lies beneath the surface – the juicy, detailed, emotionally complex stuff.

Remember – they are not mind readers! The key communication differences between men and women seem to be that men tend to ‘conceal’ whilst women love to ‘reveal’. Men’s ‘natural inclination to conceal information’ (to protect themselves) means they are often prone to asking less questions (how do you feel? what do you want?). So whilst, ‘women interpret the asking of questions as interest and caring’, your bloke probably ‘assumes that anything you want him to know, you will tell him — because that’s what men do’. And – I know – we all what the men in our lives to magically know exactly what we are feeling (sad, lonely, fat, left out, disappointed or mad) and precisely what to say or do about it (hug us, comfort us, reassure us, make us laugh, make us dinner, say sorry, do something), it might be a lot easier if we simply used our words.

Solution? Tell him already. First, check he isn’t focused on anything else (single-focus, single-focus, single-focus), and then explain simply (less is more) what the problem is (get to the ruddy”the point”) and explain how he can help you feel better (’cause he is not a mind-reader – Bless him!)

This GET HAPPIER post is brought to you by someone who may look like she is having deep thoughts, but 99% of the time is thinking about what she is going to eat later. Fact.

*The stuff in quote marks is all Alison. The rest is little old me.

---