Why Your Feelings Don’t Matter (as much as you think).

Most of us are pretty beholden to our FEELINGS.

We are angry, so we lash out. We are scared, so we run away. We are sad, so we eat biscuits. In fact, as a race we have become rather obsessed with analyzing, dwelling, overthinking and sharing (so much sharing) how we are f-e-e-l-i-n-g.

And, whilst I am not here to tell you your feelings don’t matter.…..it might be rather reassuring (relaxing?) to know that they might not be quite as earth-shatteringly important, helpful or even as accurate as one might first assume.

Let us not forget:

They are just FEELINGS – By their very nature, feelings are just a set of physical sensations that we feel in and around our body. So, whilst we might embarrass ourselves at work and say we feel like an idiot – that is not a feeling – that is a thought (very easy to get the two tangled!). A lot of the time the problem is not how we are feeling, it’s more around the thought we choose to associate with that feeling.

This might help (courtesy of Jim Dethmer): Firstly, you need to take a breath and identify the emotion (‘I feel scared’) – this helps by shifting the process to a different part of the brain (away from the highly-strung amygdala). Next, locate where you are feeling it in your body (throat, belly, jaw etc.) and describe what that sensation feels like in your body (nausea, tightness, swirling, gurgling etc.). Then just try and sit with that feeling for a few moments (in all its tightly contracted, hot flushed, eye-spilling glory) because ‘when feelings are met with acceptance they naturally release’. Lastly, Jim suggests we try and understand what the feeling is there to show you? For instance, the purpose of fear is often to get us to pay attention or wake up to something. Feelings of anger might be an indicator that boundaries have been crossed. Feelings of sadness a sign that something needs to be grieved or let go of. Feelings of frustration a clear indicator that people walking too slowly in front of me 😉

They are probably WRONG: In the same way that 85% of what we worry about NEVER happens (I know – crazy, right?!) a lot of our so-called feelings might not be as grounded in reality as we might think. And, I know, it seems weird to suggest that our feelings might be wrong – because, how can they be wrong when we are the ones who are actually feeling them? For this, we can blame our brain and the variety of factors (lack of sleep, cognitive bias, our inability to see beyond our own set of circumstances) that contribute to our emotional frailty. This article explains it brilliantly.

This might help (courtesy of The School of Life): A healthy dose of Emotional Scepticism (or Epoche as the Ancient Greeks called it) can help keep things in perspective. Essentially it’s a ‘look before you leap’ kind of a deal – before you stomp off in a huff, collapse in a puddle or bitchily retaliate – just take a minute to consider that maybe your feelings are wrong. Was he really that horrid? Or, are you just (over)reacting to some self-limiting belief/repeated pattern from your past that he triggered? Was what she said really that hurtful? Or, could the three hours of sleep you got last night have something to do with it? Is your new colleague really stand-offish or might she just be painfully shy? The School of Life suggests we ‘sometimes do ourselves the honour of NOT listening to our feelings’ and instead wait patiently ‘for certain unhelpful moods to pass’. Why? Because, ‘at heart, we are highly viscous bags of saline solution who stare out at reality via a highly unreliable, distorted pane of glass and must therefore frequently suspend judgement, moderate our impulses, watch over our diet and strive to get to bed early.’ Quite.

They might be (a little) OVERINDULGENT? The philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau believed that the great evil of society was that it forced us to hide behind masks. Oprah agreed and the next minute feelings were everywhere – on daytime TV, in emotional memoirs and coming to a 2,200 character Instagram post near you. And, whilst studies have shown that talking about our emotions can be profoundly healing, there is also evidence that less dwelling and more stiff-upper-lipping could also be the go. The idea that we might be overindulging/bingeing our feelings has even been given an actual name – Emotional Obesity. Perfect! Something new to add to the list of things that might be ‘wrong’ with us.

This might HELP: (courtesy of this article by Kerry Potter) Whilst you are obviously welcome to be as emotionally promiscuous as you like, Gillian Bridge (addiction specialist, therapist and author of Sweet Distress) is critical of ‘our love affair with our feelings’. Having spent 30+ years working with prisoners, addicts and mental health clients of all ages, she says, ‘I’ve come across many a client who was hugely eloquent about their various emotional states, but no more mentally sound for it.’ Instead, she says we ‘should help people to manage their emotions, rather than immersing themselves in them.’ And, there is a very important reason that said wallowing can be detrimental – ‘If you ask a child to memorise something, you get them to repeat, revise and rehearse it. By the same token, if you’re feeling negative emotions and you repeat, revise and rehearse them, they’ll stick.’

Not to mention the fact that the way we are feeling (tired, not in the mood, perpetually hungry, a bit disappointed) is often diametrically opposed to what we should be doing to ensure we are living less-crap lives.

This GET HAPPIER post is brought to you by someone who is probably only a few feedback loops from where she first started.