The Daily Mail Will Make You Stupid. Fact*.

The First Step is admitting you have a problem. If you are one of the 45.3 million people who in any given month read The Daily Mail online, then I regret to inform you – you do. I am only casting stones in the smug knowledge that I have recently cleared the rubble from my own backyard. Read it? I actually downloaded the app. Of an evening, I would happily scroll my way past the bikini-clad soap stars, stopping briefly to check in on the paedophilia that seemed to lurk in every corner and finish up at the (warning -graphic content) tale of someone’s exploding boil. It has been two months since my last scroll and I have absolutely no idea what Binky (Made in Chelsea) Felsted has named her first child or what Melania Trump is wearing, but my brain works a lot better now. For Real.

A pleasant, unexpected side effect of deciding not to waste large chunks of my life reading sh*t, was how quickly my previous levels of optimism returned. It has been a sheer delight to discover that not everything in the world is trying to kill me. Which proves that continual exposure to every potential health hazard known to man, can have a serious effect on one’s general wellbeing.

The fine people at anorak.co.uk, with clearly a substantial amount of time on their hands, have kindly catalogued ‘The Daily Mail’s List of Things That Give You Cancer, From A-Z.’ Oh, Yes. Everything from ‘biscuits’ to ‘being southern’ is a bona fide medical risk and it’s not called the C-word for nothing. There are no less than 32 things beginning with C on the alphabetised list that could kill you. From canned food to climate change, it seems life is just one, long carcinogenic minefield after another. And then we die – presumably of Cancer.

Thankfully, the editorial team seem as keen to cure you as they are to kill you. There was a 2015 gem of an article that proclaimed, ‘Sleeping Makes You Less Racist.’ Excellent. May I suggest bed rest for the lot of you. You see – daily access to such a large pile of horse manure, however freshly scented it may be, can be dangerous. Much like a nasty bout of gastro, continual racism, blatant homophobia, and casual sexism is contagious. Read enough manure and that shit will start to stick.

If you are tempted to give quitting a go, may I be the first to applaud you. It is not easy. The disgusting genius of the site is how it sucks you in and does-not-let-you-go. One minute you are reading how ‘Muslim bus drivers refuse to let guide dogs on board’ and the next you are learning how ‘Oral Sex can cause throat cancer’. Before you know it, you are applauding how stylish George Clooney’s fiancée is ‘in striking red dress and fetching floral heels at sexual violence summit’ and wondering ‘What is wrong with Cameron Diaz’s Face?’ You could scroll yourself to death and be none the wiser. Literally.

Sadly, this never-ending stream of absolute crap, is encouraging our need for bite-sized journalism, accompanied by more pictures than actual words. So many pictures. Mostly of women’s chests spilling out of something. Or of flesh-eating bacteria which has done something horrid like munched off half their leg. You might even find yourself scoffing at these people, or thinking how stupid they are to be photographed in a bikini or for not wearing shoes in public-toilets. Ha! Pot. Kettle. Black. Just Sayin’.

When it comes to loyal readers it seems there are 2 levels of stupid. Entry level stupid refers to the passive readers that just scroll and click. Next level stupid is reserved for the people who go one step further – scroll, click and then comment. Have you read some of the comments these people leave? I admire their confidence quite frankly. To be so blissfully unaware of one’s own thickness must be a kind of freedom. I am not sure the comments section will do much to restore your faith in the goodness of mankind. There is usually lots of insightful stuff about the holocaust not being true and how anyone they don’t like should go back to their country or be killed. I am ashamed to say that it might be the section I miss the most.

I am not alone in my (albeit recent) disdain for the Mail. There are Twitter accounts that celebrate its idiocy (@DMReporter/ @BestoftheMail), there are listicles on BuzzFeed that mock, there was even a ‘Don’t Read the Daily Mail’ Day, launched in 2012 because ‘Every time we read, link, tweet, update, post or think about the Daily Mail, we are giving them what they want…’ For this reason, I have not included any links that will allow you to click through to that steaming pile of stupidity. Because, deep down, you know you are better than that.

For Real.

This Get Smarter Post was brought to you by someone whose sincere hope is that you might find your way to The Spectator or Fast Company or Flipboard before your brain dissolves completely.

 

*When I say Fact, I mean that in the loosest, most unresearched sense of the word.