What’s Does Your ‘Deal-Breaker’ Say About You?

Deal Breakers – We all have them. The one, two or several thousand things that, when it comes to relationships, we literally can-not-deal-with. According to my research there is some basic, 101 stuff, that breaks the deal right from the get go – bad personal hygiene, smoker, married, tight arse. A lot of you have stuff around feet and teeth so you would be well advised to sort that sh*t out. But be warned – there is a also a whole other world of non-negotiables out there, so even if you have done your best to show up minty fresh and fag-free, there is no guarantee that you will make it past the first course without causing some serious offence.

My participants were a particularly harsh crowd with stuff like ‘Bad Denim’, ‘Pineapple on Pizza’, ‘Checked Boxer Shorts’ and ‘Wide Shoulders’ (what?!) making the list.  A lot of us aren’t even sure what it is that we want – but we sure as heck know what it is that we don’t. I know relationships that have, I-kid-you-not, ended over bad grammar. Or questionable footwear. Or -and this is an actual quote  – ‘I once stopped dating a guy because he tied his shoe laces too tight’. Let that be a lesson to you.  You may not even know how shallow the water you are wading in is until it’s too late. You might just have innocently felt like ordering an omelette and chips, but the fact you did that in a Chinese restaurant…… I mean, seriously dude? Or one minute you are mentioning how you didn’t really like ‘Game of Thrones’ and the next they are never calling you again. Ever.

#DealBreakerIn3Words was trending pretty strongly on Twitter recently and amongst the perfectly understandable, ‘I prefer cats’ or ‘I don’t read’, there were some bangers like ‘Can’t pronounce quinoa’ and ‘Is this decaf?’ Love may think it conquers all, but no amount of the gooey stuff is going to conquer that fact that he ‘doesn’t get Dress Up parties’. What’s not to get? Put on a fu*king costume and have fun already. The food stuff can be super annoying. Picky Eater? No-thank-you. Vegan? I-don’t-think-so. We might even be able to forgive the fact you are allergic to gluten but is it entirely necessary to say the word celiac 17 times when we eat out in public.  Are you trying to get me to break up with you?

All joking aside (which won’t be hard for those of you with no sense of humour #majordealbreaker) it seems that the whys and the wherefores of the deal breakers we choose are a mix of good sense, lessons learnt and in some cases have less to do with them and more to do with us. So, let’s take a little closer look at why we might be being so damn picky.

Makes Sense – Sort Of.

Most of our ‘issues’ make sense. Sort of. If he is rude to waitresses, there is a pretty good chance he doesn’t respect women & if he is stingy with the tip, chances are he could be just as stingy in the bedroom. If she talks too much, it could mean she’ll be a lousy listener. You’re short, so you only date tall guys – You just want a regular sized kid – is that too much to ask for? I get it.

Been There. Done That. Not Buying Another Of Those Stupid T-Shirts.

Then there is the stuff we have learnt the hard way. Having swum in these particulor cesspools before – with the big drinker, the freeloader, the gambler, the non-communicator – we have learnt to recognise the red flags and can avoid being a repeat offender.

What if – Eeek! – The Real Problem is You?

If you are finding any excuse for a deal breaker (weird knees, small earlobes, the annoying way she smiles when she is happy) then – hate to say it – but the reason you might still be single is – you guessed it – you. Here is what Dr. Seth Myers, psychologist & author of ‘Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription’ has to say about it: “What causes someone to be so picky and overly discerning? In one word: Fear. Extreme pickiness is a giant blob of defence mechanisms with an underlying fear of a real long-term romantic relationship.” These people are “afraid to depend on someone for fear of getting hurt” or “of being seen for who they really are or having someone they date see flaws or weaknesses in them”. Ouch.

Or maybe – you know – they just haven’t met the right person yet?

When it comes to the battle of the deal breakers, women are now significantly pickier than their male counterparts, according to a study by The University of Western Sydney. Across 20 categories – from laziness to neediness – women ranked much higher levels of intolerance. The study’s leader, Peter K. Jonason, concluded the reasoning for this was so they would ‘avoid costly impregnantion by low-quality males’. It seems we are not only judging you, but we are also judging your sperm and potential parenting credentials to boot. However, being too picky for too long, could result in the remaining eligible men realising that they are now in a ‘sellers market’ and deciding to add more deal-breakers of their own. And so on, and so on, until you and your deal breakers die miserable and alone.

On a brighter note, if you are confident that your ‘Must Haves’ are perfectly reasonable and you are only interested in a partner that has exactly the same ‘Pet Peeves’as your own, then you may like to try the dating app, Hater. Launched earlier this year, the app matches people based on their mutural hatred of over 2,000 things from cargo shorts to selfie sticks. And let’s face it – nothing says true love quite like a mutual deal breaker. Slow Walkers? People who insist on putting ketchup on their eggs? Don’t. Even. Get. Me. Started.

This Get Happier Post was brought to you by someone who, money aside, is actually quite partial to a tight arse.

*Apologies for the obscene amount of italics.

Photo Credit: www.pixabay.com – Under ‘Creative Commons Licence’