My Really Grumpy Movie Review.

As I get older I have a lot less tolerance for shit movies. Especially the ones which make women look stupid. I walked out of the movie ‘Bad Moms’ because life is short and I was not laughing. Other people tell me it is a funny movie and the fact that ‘A Bad Mom’s Christmas’ (same shit/different season) is on standby, suggests I may be in the minority. Whatever! I am just a little tired of watching a group of women being reduced to the lowest common denominator clichés for our general amusement. There is the Super Slutty Mom who says the word vagina a lot, (I think the fact most of us mentally went Ewww when we read the word vagina is sort of the point. #controversial). The Mousey Mum who is all dowdy and well behaved until she gets fall-off-her-chair-wasted the minute she gets a sniff of tequila. The Working Mother who obviously (mega eye roll) can’t cope with being a parent and holding down a 9-5. At least not without getting spaghetti in her hair. Finally, our villain, the pain-in-the-arse PTA Mum, who is clearly a spoilt bitch who doesn’t need to work. Four females happily perpetuating the myth that mothers are either bossy, downtrodden, useless or raging horn-bags. Perfect.

I get it.  I do. The potential comedy of being a parent is so very transparent in my own life. I am not going to lie and say my entire parenting career has been tequila free. It has not. I have been that bad parent at the bake sale with the store bought offering. Being a working mother is hard. And yes – there are some super sucky Mums that will gleefully hand around the gluten-free guilt sandwiches. I guess, maybe I just feel that because we are bringing human beings in to the world and are rather cleverly…you know...continuing the species, it would be nice to not be completely humiliated in films that I don’t even find that funny. Maybe it is OK to be gross if the script is a scorcher (The Hangover, Bridesmaids, Knocked Up) or if it’s not the 9th straight time they are serving the exact same dish, but with a few less funnies. Case in point is the latest batch of bad movies that are on general release or coming soon to a Netflix near you. Be afraid my friends. Be very afraid. You only have to watch the trailers – allegedly the best 60 seconds of the entire movie – to sniff the unfunny turd that awaits those of you dumb enough to watch them.

‘Girls Night Out’ looks spectacularly awful. Its basically about 4 friends on a girl’s night out (Duh!) all looking kinda slutty, getting wasted, falling over and renting a stripper. Then – spoiler alert – the token fat friend jumps on the stripper and kills him. Presumably with her fat-ness. I am not saying we should all be watching movies with subtitles that win awards at obscure film festivals, but really? Is this the best we can do? ‘Bad Moms Dinner’ doesn’t look much better. In case you were unsure, the O in Mom, makes it clear that we will be, once again, watching American women looking stupid, this time whilst at dinner. Its about –wait for it – 4 friends (one of them who is pretty fat – obviously) who get drunk, stoned and laid. I assume someone gets laid as this would explain the inclusion of Adam Levine as the token ‘hottie’. I can’t say for sure. I haven’t watched it. Maybe because it hasn’t been released in Australia yet or maybe because I just don’t feel like being an idiot this early in the week.

If you are a woman of colour, Hollywood was kind enough to be inclusive with the equally awful looking ‘Girl’s Trip’. It’s a story of 4 friends who ‘deserve this’. And by ‘this’ I mean looking kinda slutty, getting wasted, tripping on absinthe and squeezing each others boobs (‘they are squishy’ – I mean C’mon!) In one excrutiating scene, Jada Pinkett Smith’s character urinates mid-zipline on the crowd below, whilst people laugh and video it. She was dying to pee and her vaginal muscles just could not hold out any longer. Maybe because she’s a Mum and so most likely (double eye roll) 30% incontinent – perfect – let’s maximise the comedy shit out of that one.

If Mums bonding over non-Mum stuff (twerking, tequila and class A drugs) is not your scene, then you could resort to losing the will to live with the Mother/Daughter comedy romp ‘Snatched’. The title for starters is awesome. Sneakily taking advantage of this alternate word for kidnapping. Snatched. Do you get it? Sounds like snatch – which is another word for, ahem – lady parts. #fiesty! Goldie Hawn stars as the Mum, who is  pretty annoying because she is, you know….a Mum. Amy Schumer (whose varnish is seriously starting to chip) is her equally tangled-haired daughter, who manages to pull a hot guy who ends up kidnapping them both. Which, (so many eye-rolls), serves Amy right for thinking she could pull a hot guy for, like, real.

These movies make me sad. Because life is hard and we all deserve a good chuckle from time to time. I want to be able to go to the movies without having to watch a Marvel comic (and I mean no disrespect to Chris Hemsworth who plays Thor – because that man is amazing.) It’s just I am not always in the mood to watch people being blown up or raped. Or to watch animated crap made by people who thought the emoji movie sounded like a good idea. The world is crying out for some good comedy that is laughing with us and not at us. I, for one, hope our tears will not be in vain. What, dear reader, do you think?

This Could She Get Any Grumpier Post is brought to you by someone who (probably) doesn’t find a good fart joke as funny as the next person.