The (Awkward) Truth About Cheating.

Google is awash with advice about cheating.

Should you cheat? (No – Duh!)

Should you admit it if you do? (Mmmm, Yes or No. It depends.)

What actually counts as cheating? Varies wildly – some of us baulk at illicit thoughts, other are horrified by regular porn. One person’s flirty text is another’s full blown hurrah.

Truth is, cheating is not even always about the sex (don’t believe me – click here.) But, often it is. About the sex. Either the not getting it, the not getting enough of it, or the keenness to be getting it with more than one person. For today’s purposes, I am mainly focused on the first one. And morally, it’s a tricky one, because what happens when one partner stops having sex with the other? There is no official sex-on-continual-rotation rule as such.

That said, most relationships are built on a foundation of fidelity. Partners are expected to refrain from shagging people outside of the relationship…..but does this then imply they should be entitled to shagging inside of the relationship? It seems we are happy to tell people what they can’t do but feel less comfortable insisting on what they must do.

Case in point. A friend of mine was recently caught with his pants down and consequently kicked to the kerb by his wife. As the cheater, he is by default the villain of the piece. However, despite every effort on his part, his wife has not had sex with him for 18 months. Which begs the question – Is not having sex with your partner an infidelity of sorts?

I am not talking about the usual ebb and flow of sexual activity in a long-term relationship. Sex drives come in all shapes and sizes and the hope is you can find a roster that satisfies you both. But shutting up shop completely is pretty extreme, and can feel like a betrayal to the customer who is being turned away. So, what’s the answer? Let’s look at the options:

1. Australian sex therapist Bettina Arndt, caused some controversy a few years ago, by suggesting that women with low sexual desire should ‘just do it’. Like our female lady parts were akin to a Nike commercial. However, a recent study published in Social Psychology and Personality Science, back Bettina up. They reported that when women or men indulged their partner’s sexual needs, regardless of their own lessened desire, the relationships were strengthened. Basically, once you get going, even if you’re not ‘up for it’, sex can become enjoyable. And even if it’s more of a favour thing, the resulting intimacy is often worth it. This advice is obviously intended within the consensual boundaries of a respectful relationship. And yes – men suffer from low libido too – although one would imagine ‘fake it till you make it’ is more challenging in the penis department.
2. Complete loss of sexual desire might have nothing to do with the sex either. It could be related to a medical issue such as depression or chronic illness. It might be a stressed out, low self-esteem kind of a thing. Or it might indicate a more deep-seated problem within the relationship. Feeling angry, sad or bitter towards a partner is never going to be the perfect lubricant to a night of passion. Talking to a professional and ideally to each other is recommended and preferably before one partner seeks comfort elsewhere.
3. Maybe, just maybe – a discussion around one partner being allowed to have their needs met elsewhere could be just the thing? The heart stabbing betrayal of cheating is often as much, (or even more so), about the deception as the sex. Michael Castleman, an author and sex therapist who has answered over 10,000 (phew!) questions for Playboy, agrees. Although not considered the norm, ‘there is no right or wrong way to be coupled or to manage one’s marriage. Arrangements that work well may look bizarre to outsider’s. But if strict monogamy is not your cup of tea, I say it’s fine to brew up something else.’ I say more power to the couples who try to swim against the tide but imagine it could make for some super awkward suppertime chat 😉

Failing that, don’t worry, because the future is coming. ‘Sex with robots is just around the corner, with the first sexbots coming…some time next year,’ according to artificial intelligence expert, David Levey.

Not up for it? Outsource the action.

Still looking for the love of your life who may, down the track, not want to shag you?

Levey says, panic not, because ‘people should entertain the thought of marriage with robots as early as 2050.’ Actually.

This Get Happier post is brought to you by someone who agrees that jokes are like sex. It’s no fun if you aren’t getting it.