Calm Down & Other Stupid Things Not To Say.

Nobody, in the history of calming down, ever calmed down by being told to ‘Just Calm Down’.

It’s a stupid thing to say. And will generally have the reverse effect.

‘Don’t try and tell me to Calm Down!! I will calm the f*ck down when I am good and ready. I do not need you, or anyone else for that matter, telling me to relax, or to keep calm or to chill-out. I have never been more f*cking chilled in my entire life. Seriously!’

The experts know this.

Wendy Mendes, a professor of emotion at the University of California and a researcher on stress, explains that relaxing on command is physiologically impossible if “the body is already too acutely stressed to turn it around.” When people are told to hide how they feel and try to clamp down on the emotion, “it actually leaks out more,” Dr. Mendes says.

You have been warned.

I asked around and other comments best avoided include anything that references how we are ‘over-reacting’ or being ‘too sensitive’. 

Or everyone’s favourite,

‘Geez – are you on your period or something?’

In fact, there was quite the batch of things that we would prefer you did not say.

Don’t say dumb stuff like, ‘Wow! You look exhausted’. Don’t tell pregnant people they ‘look ready to pop’ or ask people that you are not 100% sure are pregnant, when they are due. In fact, when we ask you a question, please don’t say 100% when you just mean ‘Yes’. Don’t start sentences ‘with respect’ or ‘no offence, but’. Don’t ask people ‘where they are really from…like originally?’ Please don’t tell us to, ‘Smile’, ‘Cheer up love’ or to ‘Look on the bright side’.

‘I’m sorry you feel that way’ is super annoying, because it sounds like it’s our fault and it’s our feelings that are to blame. Most of us aren’t keen on you sending us ‘Love and Light’, or telling us ‘not to worry about it’, because ‘everything is going to be OK’. Please don’t ask stay-at-home mothers what they do all day. Or anyone why they are still single. Or reassure them that ‘there is still plenty of time’ and not to worry because ‘you look great for your age.’ Don’t tell us to ‘simmer down’ or that we are starting to sound ‘just like your mother’.

Anything that starts with ‘at least’ should be avoided.  Everything does not always ‘happen for a reason’ and telling me ‘it’s not a problem’ when it quite clearly is or asking, ‘What’s wrong?’ when nothing is, is only going to make me madder still.

So, No. I will not Calm Down. Thank. You. Very. Much.

Clichés and crappy things to say aside, if someone in your life is freaking out, you would be far better advised:

• To Listen: Most of us just desperately want to be heard, so shut up and let them vent.
• To Ask: ‘Is there anything I can do to help? You sound like you are having a crappy day.’
• To Pour: Make them a cup of tea or pour them a glass of wine. Hot and cold beverages are always welcome and can be a useful distraction for the ones in the firing line.

You heard it here first folks. The official calm down cure – Listen, Ask & Pour. #lap

This Get Happier post is brought to you by someone who wouldn’t necessarily suggest it in that order.

Photo – Free for Commercial Use.