Stay or Leave? – What to do when ‘Happy Ever After’ wants a refund.

The widely accepted theory of relationships and whether we decide to stay in them, is largely based on self-interest and three key factors.

’Relationship Satisfaction’ – does the hot sex and good chat override the annoying friends and lack of ambition?

‘Investments to Date’ – time spent together, any kids, shared friends, memories and financial commitments

‘Quality of Alternatives’ – could I realistically pull someone better?

Deciding what to do can be a lonely business, because the person you usually discuss everything with is the exact same person you are thinking of leaving. In light of this, let’s see if the experts can shed a little light into the darkness of indecision …..

What’s Love Got to Do With It?

Ironically, the one benchmark we all rely on – but, do you love him/her? – might be the  least reliable.  LOVE IS NOT A CONSTANT -it rises and falls over the course of a relationship and  in long-term relationships, the experts all agree, love becomes a choice.

Kerri Sackville, author of ‘Out There: A Survival Guide for Dating in mid-Life’ explains it thus- ‘Real love is less about the feeling of love than the promise to act in a loving way….If there is commitment and compatibility and a desire to move forward, a temporary lack of love does not have to be a red flag.’

Equally, ‘the mere presence of love is not at all an indication that a relationship is healthy and should continue.’ We are all capable of ‘loving’ people who lie, cheat and treat us terribly – in these cases we can use ‘love’ to justify why we stay in relationships that are not good for us.

‘There are things far more essential than love in a relationship. Respect, for example. A sense of safety. Nurturing. Compassion. Trust.’ So, by taking love out of the equation we may be better able to do the stay-or-go math.

Great Expectations & The Pressure of ‘Perfect’.

Having been fed a steady diet of Hollywood love and romance, with a side of #couplegoals, is it any wonder that our expectations are a little stretched? This notion that there is one person that is going to meet all our needs -partner, friend, lover, confidante is a sure fire recipe for disappointment. So, when considering your position in the stay/or go debate, try to keep this based in the realms of reality. Esther Perel, my  favourite relationship guru, reminds us ‘Love is not a permanent state of enthusiam’ and even in marriage the notion that, “you are my everything” is a pretty big burden to bear.

Think less – “I will wipe every tear that streams down your face before you even notice it’s going down.” And more “I will fuck up on a regular basis, and, on occasion, I’ll admit it.”

Asking Yourself the Hard Questions.

Once we have taken love out of the equation and checked if our expectations are grounded in reality, it might be time to start asking ourselves the hard questions. The School of Life has written a whole article on suggested questions to ask, the best of which I have quoted below,

–‘How much of our unhappiness can be tightly attributed to this particular partner – and how much might it, as we risk discovering five years and multiple upheavals later, turn out to be simply an inherent feature of any attempt to live in close proximity to another human?

(As I have said before, everyone is annoying – try choosing the person who annoys you the least.)

– ‘Though it is of course always essentially their fault, what tiny proportion of the difficulties might we nevertheless be contributing to the discord? In what modest way might we be a little hard to be around?’

(Often changing the way we behave – being kinder, less bitchy or less of a nag- can change the way that they behave – more considerate, less moody or less keen to escape with the boys for a beer.)

-– ‘Ask yourself if you are ready to face the risk of perhaps achieving no more than exchanging a familiar kind of unhappiness for a new and more complex variety? Wonder whether you really want to choose hope over experience.’

(You might swop one pair of shoes for another, but it’s no guarantee these ones won’t give you blisters too).

Beware the Advice of Others.

Pot. kettle. Black – yes, I know. But ultimately, despite what experts, strangers and well-meaning friends may say…..When it comes to deciding whether to stay or go, often we are simply looking for someone to agree or validate what we have already decided.

Most of us, deep down, already know the answer.

This GET HAPPIER post is brought to you by someone who knows just because it’s simple, it doesn’t mean it’s easy.