How to Have (Less) Awkward Chats.

Life is FULL of awkward conversations.

The kind of chats we would prefer to avoid. The socially clunky, cringe-inducing, confrontational and potentially heart-breaking conversations that are splattered at random on our journey through life.

And, whilst we might not welcome them, there are (thankfully) a few ways to make them rather less mortifying.

Do your homework: Firstly, work out WHAT you want to say (keep it short and to the point). Practice having the conversation in your head a few times (you don’t want there to be any ambiguity/confusion). And, make sure you are clear about what outcome you are expecting and if you should even be having this conversation at all.

Get them on side: Our brains work up to 31% more effectively when we are in a good mood so it helps if you set the tone from the get-go. Easiest way to do this (according to the FBI negotiator who wrote the book on this stuff) is to speak to the person with a smile in your voice. This will immediately have a positive impact on their mood and make them more receptive to what you have to say. When being told hard stuff (your breath smells, your work ethic sucks, I don’t love you anymore) our instinctive response is to get defensive. Soften the blow with a word of caution (‘What I’m about to tell you might be difficult to hear ‘) and try using an upward inflection in your voice. This will encourage a more collaborative response that ‘will help them feel less attacked.’

Fun fact! – Your brain believes you’re comfortable when you’re eating (I have time for food, so everything must be fine!). So, next time you are having a nerve-wracking conversation try chewing gum to trick your brain into a relaxed state.

Shut Up and Listen: Successful outcomes come from understanding. And, we can only truly understand another person’s perspective if we stop and really listen to what they have to say. Conversations are not intended to be a one-way street. Celeste Headlee, who makes a living by talking to people, agrees. She says, ‘If you want to state your opinion without any opportunity for response or argument or pushback or growth, write a blog (Ahem!) 

Embrace the Silence: Did you know it only takes 4 seconds of awkward silence for us to start to feel anxious and rejected? Which might explain why we are often so quick to hurry in and fill it. Try and use this to your advantage (by keeping schtum) as people tend to start talking when silence lengthens. Men tend to open up more when we give them the space to do so, so try not to interrupt him or use the silence that follows as an opportunity to dive straight back into the conversation. Confronting an issue (brave!) and then filling the quiet that follows with something limp like ‘It doesn’t really matter‘ or ‘Don’t worry about it’ undoes all that courageous intent (stay strong!)

Manage their Expectations: A man called Professor Wolfram Schultz taught me that when we expect something to happen and it does, our brain rewards us with a little boost of dopamine (nice!). But, when we are expecting something and don’t get it our dopamine levels fall steeply (boo!). Essentially, if you manage people’s expectations they are never going to be disappointed. I find this especially useful when it comes to all dealings with money which can be found at the centre of many an awkward exchange. Whilst we might assume that they will remember to pay us back or offer their share this is sadly not always the case. So, to avoid the need for any tiptoeing be very clear about how much it will cost, how much they will owe, when it will be expected or reasons it might not. Ditto for affairs of the heart – if you are not looking for a relationship – say so. If having children is an absolute deal-breaker, lay that tile delicately at some stage early on in the piece. I am pretty sure the disappointment and heartache might dilute any dopamine upside, but at least you won’t be accused of being something that you are not.

Buy Yourself Some More Time: Another oft used trick by hostage negotiators is ‘mirroring’, which is simply repeating the last 1-3 words the person just said, to let them know that you are listening and engaged. This, in turn, acts as a prompt for them to tell you more which is useful ammunition when negotiating, but also helpful when you need to buy yourself a little more time (to figure out your response) or want them to expand on what they are trying to say. How they reword their response will also help give you a better indication of how firm they are on their stance. It can feel a bit clunky when you first do it, but it works (try it!)

If things start to get HEATED: Yes, I know – we are meant to be talking this over like adults. But, not all conversations go according to plan. If emotions start running hot then it can be useful to pull out some non-loaded phrases to help de-escalate the tension. Try asking, ‘What do you think?’….or suggesting, ‘What if we.…..? And, if you aren’t getting anywhere, don’t be afraid to call it quits. Behavioural economist, Julia Dhar says that once both parties start repeating themselves, it’s time to “acknowledge, appreciate and switch.” – “Acknowledge the mutual goodwill and emotional work it takes to have a conversation with people you disagree with, and then give back to the other person what they’ve given to you.” So, you could finish up by saying something mature like, “I still believe that monogamy is in the best interest of a healthy relationship, but you’ve really helped me understand your perspective.”

Alternatively, you might choose to collapse into a soggy pile of tears and spend the remainder of the evening eating your feelings.

This GET HAPPIER post is brought to you by someone who has been known to do both.