The Positivity Myth & Why It’s OK Not To Be ‘Fine’, ‘Great’ & ‘Happy’ All of the Time.

I like to think of myself as a pretty positive person. I would (probably) rate myself happy about 90% of the time. I appreciate that is a pretty, big number, but between the self-delusion and the chardonnay, I am going to dig my heels in. That said, my life is not one long, glorious walk in the park with Ryan Reynolds continually trying to call me. Sometimes it’s a bit crap.  And, sometimes it is a lot crap.

And don’t you worry. My remaining 10% works super hard feeling all the yukky stuff that most of us tend to keep quiet about. Anger, sadness, self-loathing, jealousy, disappointment – all that emotional baggage that we tend to label as ‘bad’. And therein, my friend, lies our first problem.

Feelings are not necessarily good or bad. They are just the way that we are feeling at any given moment. Sure, some feel nicer than others – but this doesn’t mean we should all be on an eternal quest to simply maximise pleasure and minimise pain. One, because it is completely impossible and Two, because (annoyingly), to live a full, emotional life we need to be open to all facets of them. That character building sh*t is not just something people say to make you feel better. It’s an actual thing.

So, let’s break this down in to some bite-size pieces, so we can all feel less crap about feeling crap.

Pushing Feelings Away Only Makes Things Worse  There is no denying it – trying to push away or stifle our emotions only makes them grow stronger. Like when you are trying not to eat carbs – you yearn for nothing but yeast. It’s the same with our strong emotions. Research has proven that bereaved people who deny their feelings of grief, recover more slowly. Experiments have showed that people who were told not to try and feel sad about upsetting news, only felt worse. Susan David, a Harvard Medical School psychologist, who specialises in emotional agility, gave an excellent Ted Talk exploring this very notion. She urges us, when things get tough, not to run straight for the ‘Emotional Exits.’ ‘You don’t get to have a meaningful career or raise a family or leave the world a better place without stress and discomfort.’ More than that – these feelings are paramount; ‘Discomfort is the price of admission for a meaningful life.’

You Are Not Your Emotions.This is a big one. Most of us are ‘guilty’ of saying stuff like, ‘I am so angry’ or ‘I am horribly depressed’…….but Susan (from that TED talk), reminds us that, ‘You are not your emotions.’ So – and I appreciate for the non-yogis this may take some getting used to – it is far preferable if we ‘notice that we are feeling angry’ or ‘notice that we are feeling pretty sad’ – that way we gain some control over our emotions, instead of them climbing right inside and controlling us. This stems from the Buddhist-inspired notion of non-attachment; learning to let ‘negative’ emotions arise and pass, resisting the urge to squash them down. Waaay easier said than done – no matter how many Namaste’s you might muster.

Say What You Actually Mean. Labelling our emotions accurately is also key to ‘recovery’; Are you Stressed or are you just, really Disappointed? Are you Upset? Or are you, actually f*cking Angry? By labelling our feelings accurately, our brain is better poised to help us discover the real reason behind them and can then help us work out how best to deal, or solve the issue at hand.

Don’t Try & Make Other People Feel Better (sort of). In the same way we might try and stifle our own unwelcome emotions, many of us rush to do the same for others. Making people feel like they must continually ‘look on the bright side’ often just ends up making them feel even worse. I do this the whole time because I like being a ‘Fixer’. I do it with my loved ones and probably way too much with my children, ‘Darling, don’t be sad. Let’s go get an ice-cream and pretend like cookies and cream will sort that sh*t out’. Bad stuff happens to everybody, and although we need to support our loved ones, we need to do this without trying to quash or invalidate their feelings. ‘Darling, I am sorry that you feel sad. Disappointment can make us feel that way. It’s totally normal.’ The serious upside of not continually running in to rescue them from their feelings is that we allow them to build resilience – the high priestess of life’s lottery indeed.

The Path to ‘Real Positivity’ Thinking positively has nothing to do with floral covered fridge magnets urging us to ‘turn that smile upside down’. Real positivity is the ability to see the reality for what it is – Yup, that is some Grade A Crap right there. Accepting it without judgement, even if it smells pretty bad. And then choosing the best way to view, deal and move forward with it from there – aka – A Positive Attitude. Because as my friend* Susan says, ‘the research shows that the radical acceptance of all our emotions – even the messy, difficult ones is the cornerstone to resilience, thriving and true authentic happiness.’ Amen to that.

This Get Happier post is brought to you by someone who cries when she is angry, laughs when she is sad and gets annoyed when she is embarrassed, and then has the audacity to wonder why on earth nobody understands her!

*Susan David and I are not actually friends as yet, but I am pretty ‘positive’ we would be if/when we meet up. Heeeey Susan – Call Me 🙂