The Four Agreements – the power to change your life?

How many agreements have you made with yourself and others this week?

Whether it’s work commitments, social catch-ups, family obligations or all the internal agreements we make with ourselves on a daily, weekly and mostly Monday morning basis (this week I am definitely going to start that project, finish that thing, eat more veggies, get that weird mole checked out, not buy anything else online or even think about my stupid exs new girlfriend and her oddly perfect body.)

So many promises, some we keep, some we bench and some that end up a scattered, discarded mess at our feet come Sunday.

But, what if life could be simpler than that?

This week I stumbled back upon the book ‘The Four Agreements’ – it was published back in 1997, gained a cult-like following, sold 10 squillion copies and gained the kind of life-changing status that every writer likely aspires to.

The basic premise is that, as a race, we quickly become ‘domesticated’ and end up living by the rules and expectations created by ‘society’ and not those chosen ourselves. But, if instead, we chose to live by these Four Agreements (easy in theory, less so in practice), we can achieve personal freedom. How? By ridding ourselves of those pesky self-limiting beliefs that ultimately ‘rob us of joy and cause needless suffering’. Pretty good pitch.

Let’s take a look.

Agreement 1: Be Impeccable* with Your Words. In short – choose your words wisely, my friend. Be careful how you speak about (and to) yourself – none of this ‘I’ll never be able to find someone who loves me’ or ‘I’m always going to struggle financially’ – because, ‘what you dream, what you feel and what you really are, will all be manifested through the word’ (Gulp!) Say what you mean, mean what you say, and do what you say you are going to do (which is where saying ‘No’ more often comes in useful). Use your words kindly and for good. Don’t waste time gossiping and bitching about others despite how tempting it can be as a bonding tool. Instead, give genuine compliments and remind people how much you love, respect, appreciate, and admire them. Often.

Agreement 2: Don’t take anything personally. I know – almost impossible. But, try and remind yourself (as often as possible) that what other people say and do (however hateful, hurtful or downright loopy) is way more to do about them (and their beliefs, fears, hopes, projections) than it is about you. Don’t forget – ‘Their point of view comes from all the programming they received during domestication’ – equally, we should probs examine why we get so ‘triggered’ (heated/upset) by other peoples words and actions too. Taking things LESS personally is literally the holy grail of happiness, along with our good friends’ self-awareness, gratitude, resilience and joy.

Agreement 3: Don’t make assumptions. Baring in mind our assumptions are based on our own unique experiences (what we have been taught, learnt or deduced along the way), it makes sense that they might be misleading. Plus, it would be silly of us to assume that our way of thinking is always the best, right or only way to see things. Be curious -ask questions and be open to learning. Equally, don’t assume others will magically know what you mean (or are thinking). Try and be crystal clear about what you want – ‘I want you to put your phone down when we are having a conversation’, ‘I love being spoilt rotten on my birthday’, ‘I’d like to be properly remunerated for my efforts’ . The upside? By communicating clearly ‘you can avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama.’ Not to mention those painful sulking episodes that some of us are rather good at.

Agreement 4: Always do your best. This might sound like a throwback to the kind of thing you said to your kids (or had said to you) as they/you tootled off to the sports carnival or to sit an exam. Problem is, as we grow up, the word ‘best’ tends to get all wrapped up with the idea of ‘perfection’ and that’s a sure recipe for self-loathing and regret if ever I heard one. Instead, this agreement encourages us to take action and find satisfaction in being productive – ‘You should work hard because it makes you happy, not because of some external motivation.’ It is also gently padded in a layer of self-acceptance. Your best is only what it can be on any given day and every day will look a little different. Your best will look different when you are tired, hungry, happy, hungover, heartbroken or firing on all cylinders. So, no more beating yourself up, my friend. Simply commit to doing your BEST, whatever that might look like, based on the particular set of circumstances that life is presenting you with today.

Twelve years later, the ‘The Fifth Agreement’ was published. This final agreement advised us to ‘be skeptical, but learn to listen’. If one was skeptical*, one might have viewed this further tome as a blatant attempt to cash in on the other four’s success.

But, in honor of them, I won’t be making any assumptions 😉

This GET HAPPIER post was brought to you by someone who prefers her Toltec wisdom with a side of tequila.

*”Impeccable” stems from the Latin word, meaning “without sin”.

* Being English, I am far more prone to being sceptical.