Eat, Drink & Be Merry – Without Getting Fat, Wasted & Sad.

Operation Christmas is now full steam ahead. Wherever you look, halls are being decked, hams are being glazed and credit cards are getting spanked. Only four more sleeps until the fat man comes down the chimney and we all slather ourselves in bread sauce and festive cheer. So just in the St. Nick of time, here is a re-run of our Christmas Survival Guide – to help you gracefully navigate yourself through the whole festive nonsense.

Christmas is coming & the Geese are Getting Fat – (and so probably are we).

Food is glorious, and Christmas positively brims with temptation. Food stuffs we never even think about for the rest of the year are suddenly top of mind and spread before us, brazenly inviting us to indulge. Between the dollops of brandy butter and the chipolatas wrapped snugly in bacon, it is little surprise that many of us get waisted (see what I did there?) at this time of year. The average person consumes 5,373 calories on Christmas Day – that’s three times the recommended daily amount (RDA) for women and twice what blokes should consume. Even more alarmingly it is the equivalent of chowing down on 10 Big Macs or scarfing 26 Krispy Kreme Donuts. This little piggy may have stayed at home, but he certainly didn’t go hungry.

So, what – without being totally boring – is the solution?

F*ck Moderation. That is never going to happen. However, there is a fine line between indulgence, which is not such a bad thing, at this time of year, and OVER-indulgence. May we suggest you choose wisely and don’t waste your calories. Make every mouthful count. So, skip the eggnog (300 calories a glass and 20g of fat and sugar respectively), dodge the Christmas Pud (400 calories of dry cake right there) and avoid the mindless handful of peanuts (200 calories of salty goodness in every scoop). Save it for the stuff(ing) that matters and for an extra roast potato (or three).

Practice the gentle art of compensation. Seize any chance you have to tip the scales back in your favour. Pigged out? Eat lighter the next day. Huge lunch? Skip dinner. 9 glasses of champagne? A few days off to let your liver unpickle. Many of us are tempted to just ‘start over in the new year’ but with a few adjustments you can take a little pressure off poor January.

Don’t Get Your Tinsel in a Tangle – Avoiding the Present Palava.

Even the most frugal amongst us can be fuelled in to a retail frenzy at this time of year. Spending money we don’t have, on shit we don’t need. It is easy to get swept up in this orgy of consumption. C’mon – it’s Christmas! George Monbiot wrote an article about this very subject, more eloquently that I ever could, pointing out how downright daft most of the crap we buy is to begin with. ‘An electronic drum-machine t-shirt; a Darth Vader talking piggy bank; an ear-shaped i-phone case; an individual beer can chiller; an electronic wine breather; a sonic screwdriver remote control; bacon toothpaste; a dancing dog: no one is expected to use them, or even look at them, after Christmas Day. They are designed to elicit thanks, perhaps a snigger or two, and then be thrown away.’ He goes on to discuss the very real damage to our planet all this junk is causing, and if you were in the mood to go shopping before you read it, you won’t be after. Major Retail Buzzkill.

And I know not all of you are guilty of this brand of retail excess. Some of you will insist on hand made gifts or charitable farm animals and the like. It’s the thought that counts and all that, but if that crotched, hand-made soap shit won’t fly in your household (and some of us have teenagers for goodness sake) then may I suggest a compromise.

• Less Crap. More Class. Buy one decent pair of sunglasses instead of a bunch of mediocre accessories. Buy one classic hardback coffee table book instead of a batch of cheap thrillers. One beautiful silk shirt, instead of 3 or 4 lesser items. Buy the stuff that lasts. Wrap it beautifully. Write a considered personal message.
• Make it an Experience: It’s been scientifically proven that experiences (a holiday/show/adventure) make us a hell of a lot happier than STUFF. I am beginning to sound like a broken record so just skip to this link if you are new to the community.
• Make it Personal: A perfectly tailored gift (the thing they pointed out ages ago that they loved, or the exact thing that matches their particular quirk,) will always be the best received. Thankfully, this can also be a lot cheaper than a less thought out bottle of perfume or random gift basket. Ditto anything that has their name on it or photos of their loved ones. One year, I stalked my friend’s social media and had photo fridge magnets made up of all the things they had shown off about that year. Major brownie points right there – for less than the cost of a scented candle. You’re welcome!

Ho! Ho! Ho! ……..(but don’t actually be one).

Between the mulled wine and the mistletoe, the festive season is rife with mistaken hook ups and most of them are taking place at an office party near you. According to a survey by an extra marital dating site (so, like, really high-brow), 60% of respondents said they had snogged and 31% admitted to sleeping with a co-worker at the annual company bash. If you wish to avoid being the topic around the watercooler for weeks to come I suggest instilling a self-enforced curfew – arrive, be fabulous, enjoy a modicum of the kind hospitality and then duck the hell out of there. You can then bathe in the smug joy that it wasn’t you who shagged Gavin in HR, then proceeded to leave a photocopied picture of your arse on everyone’s desk for the LOLS. What on earth is that smell? That my friend is the welcome scent of self-respect – nothing beats it.

Oh, Come All Ye Faithful – and please try to stay that way.

If you are married, committed or fairly, bloody keen on someone then please ensure you keep it in your pants. There are two pretty water tight ways to ensure that you do. The first is to Wear BIG pants. Between the tight dresses and the calorific feasts, Spanx is your festive best friend. In addition to making you appear slender and bulge free they will hopefully act as a sexual deterrent. Big pants are not sexy and the sight of you trying to unroll out of them is even less so. Second suggestion is that when temptation strikes, watch that scene in ‘Love Actually’ – it’s hard to feel horny after sitting through the heartbreaking agony that is Emma Thompson in that movie. The gutting discovering that her Christmas present is just a lousy CD when she thought it was the fancy necklace she had seen whilst snooping in her husband’s coat pocket. And then the scene where she confronts him and asks if he would stay ‘knowing life would always be a little bit worse’. I. Can’t. Even.

If you don’t know which scene I am talking about, then you obviously have not seen the movie ‘Love Actually’. In which case, I have NO idea why you are still reading my blog (??!!) when you could be immediately downloading and watching the FESTIVE EXTRAVAGANZA that is THAT movie. It’s Christmas for goodness sake and rather coincidentally, my final tip for surviving the holiday season was:

If all else fails – watch ‘Love Actually’.

Actually.

This Get Happier post is brought to you by someone who wishes you nothing but brightly wrapped, mince pie flavoured, Christmas covered joy this festive season.